hello blogger my old friend...
change is good, change is what happens when we least expect it
so does life
it happens, keeps on moving, flowing
never ending song of happiness or quest for one
I have not rambled on for a log time, at least not here

I worry about steps I'm about to take they involve more than two people
me myself and I is about to be him, two kids and me
plus and assorted list of ex's
*shrug*
big step for all of us
d..n!!!
it's ok to be scared right? I mean nothing worth having is easy at least not in my life

those cute kids sat in my living room last nite all excited
" can we hook up both the X boxes to the big screen Dad..." asked M :)
I keep on trying not to think scared, shoot it's like giving up hard earned independence all over again and I wonder how much I'll bend, will I still have space of my own? Will they still like me after I've been there for more than a few hrs?

if you have not figured it out till now , I'm about to move in with my man *grin* and his two kiddos *deep breath deep breath* moving day is in a few weeks. I don't have doubts that we'll make it work, still doesn't stop my mind from running a marathon.

A grain of salt

last week a few of my co-workers joined the growing group of layed off workers...
I 'm ashamed of my relief that it was them and not me. Truth is the whirlwind of bad economy is no where close to being done.

In all of this i found myself thinking about the deep breaths I've learned to take through this life of mine. I had to remind myself of things I've learned what now feels like a lifetime ago:
I'm alive, I'm whole, my family and those important to me are as well.

Mom said she would have given a fortune for knowing that her kids are alive, not slaughtered... kinda puts things in perspective. Life will go on, humans are capable of surviving some awful things that get thrown their way.
I exhaled on Friday, I lived through the first shake down. I wonder how many more is there to come?

Today I found out my best friend from college lost his job last week as well, I hope we don't turn into alcoholics as we're getting through the tough times. I hope those who have lost their jobs have at least somebody to give them a hug. There is no better comfort than knowing that you're not alone in facing all of this turmoil.

God Bless.

P.S. I surprise myself all the time...

I'm in love with this man:)

I'm thinking about getting a bike, an old thing I think would best.
My friend Grant wants to get rid of his, he's had it since he was 16teen. I can't wait to ride.
Here is a pic of it, no it's not a crotch rocket decided after lots of deliberating that I need to learn on something that can take a beating and is not too much to handle at least for now.
So with no further ado in the order what I'd like to be riding, what I'm getting and my unobtanium as well...

1982 Honda CX 500 "the one I'm getting"


The GSX-R750
once I know what I'm doing I'd love to ride on this baby


Ducati 1098

well and of course the unobtanium in it's classic red

we can all dream right?

I love waking up next to him,
feeling his hands around me
is another way of being home

I can feel him looking at me even when I don't look
I can feel his love even when he's not next to me

I'm not too much
he has as much to give as I do

pretty
a string of perfect pearls
elegant and smooth

happy

I feel a bit boring, not much to say but flaunt my joy of every day life...
Good news is I met the kids and it went good, all my anxiety of the actual meeting and they were quite sweet. Than again I was more worried about myself and my inability to not get tangled up in the world surrounding my love. Selfish I know.
So like I expected I love them1 Sweet, cute, adorable I believe they took of with my heart by the end of the short dinner we had.

The hard realization came after meeting the kids, damn I've done it again...
I'm in love.
Scary as hell, would not give it up for anything in the world. Hmmmm...

I was out with some friends and one of them with a very battered heart asked whether I thought there is a difference between being in love and loving?

Yeah, there is kinda hard to define but here it is:
being in love I equal to infatuation as good ol Webster says: to inspire with a foolish or extravagant love or admiration. Now love the true thing comes after, when you find out a persons faults and still love them, admire them, care for them, and are still infatuated with them although you know them. They may not even be deserving of your love but you still do.

I admit, I've been MIA for a while now and lots has been happening.
The trip home was just what it should be, quiet time with my family, time to reflect after.
Not to bore you but not much happened...

I flew out of Chicago on a snowy afternoon, as flights were being canceled all over the mid-west my plane left the gate at the scheduled time of 2:30 pm I say left the gate because than we sat for almost two hours in the middle of a storm not taking off but simply idling. Oh, well I thought at least that's less time to spend in Frankfurt, Germany waiting for the next connecting flight.
The long flight continued as the passenger next me decided to not only take off his shoes but his socks as well and wiggle his stinky tired toes right past my nose for the next 8 hrs the torture continued as the guys behind me and in front of me happened to be more than 6' hence no reclining for me and well my knees felt like they have been crushed (the trip home was no better).

Bosnia was well home. This distant place where my family lives, place that I don't fit into any more, yet so many pieces of it fit so good like an old pair of jeans that you wear around the house.
My parents are getting old, every time I leave the thought occurs to me that this might be the last time I see them. I hope it's not the case. My niece and two nephews grew a few inches, two of them are hitting puberty and I wonder how much of their life am I missing on a daily basis?
They loved all the gifts I got for them.

I got home, been sick this whole month it always happens when I travel.
Been sleeping a lot, self medicating, hoping that this time NyQuil is going to work better than the night before. Saw a nurse practitioner today, 10 days of antibiotics twice a day she said.
In bed now, all wrapped up in my down comforter wishing for a hug hoping this time the meds will work.


P.S.
on the good note, my sweet man has been great times together could not be sweeter, how did I get so lucky?

every time my heart breaks I learn so much about myself
who I really am, what I'm capable of
I stand tall
"nedaj se!" says my mom
hehehe
she knows me oh so well

this heart of mine never stops kicking,
trust is something you give to people and sometimes they deserve it
sometimes they kick you in you teeth
you keep on going, 'couse what else is there?

Us strong people keep on fighting
keep on giving
keep on loving
over and over again

like it's a lesson that we can't get enough of
like there is ever a choice
stay in the mud broken and kicked
or rise up and try again

sooooo

I'm tryin'
I really am
and he's sweet
and charming
and so, so
crazy for me