Backpacking by the fire

Went to a friends house last night, sat by a fire outside as the rain was softly coming down. So relaxing. Damp. Long time since I've just sat down stared at the fire, let my mind wonder, smelled the falling leaves , listened for the rain, felt it on my face...Looked at my boots and noticed them smoking *smile*
Ooops! I got too close to the fire the rubber on my soles melted, mixed in with the smell of rain.

Been working a lot lately. It seams that in order to go on vacation I need to put in double the hours before I leave, and I just don't want to think about the week when I come back.
I'm averaging one hundred and fifty e-mails a day,now how many "your box is over the limit" messages will I have from tech support by the time I come back? As that was not enough I decided to take work home, so now I dream about "standard operating procedures" *smile* Been backpacking my laptop anywhere I go. Way too much!
Last night as my dining room is packed to the gills...no table to be had by eight pm, my travel agent drops of my tickets. Instant smile on my face! Somehow makes this trip home more real.
Things I have finished:

• got tickets
• got luggage
• some gifts for kids
• got a John Irving book to read on the flight
• packed the good wishes from my friends

no the suitcase is still in the closet, and my closet, well now it seams like it belongs to somebody else since I can't find anything in there, it's started a life of it's own.

Two more days:)

day at the beach

As I woke up so early this morning after getting no sleep I decided to go down to lake Michigan, clear my head, listen to the waves crash who knows maybe save my sanity.
Seamed like the only way to escape the prison of my mind.
I think if I ever buy a house, here in this county, it will have to be on the beach, so calming...
The sun felt so great on my face, the sand was filling in the holes in my tennis shoes, I forgot the rest of the world if for a moment in time.
Not a single soul on the beach, the waves claimed up my feet and got them wet. Made me feel like a kid wading in water getting ready to build my sand castle...
"All mine!" I thought.
"Well maybe I'll share with a few sea gulls...or would they be lake gulls?"
I don't know but I'm sure loving this! By the time I'm back from Bosnia it will be too cold and I'll have to bundle up.
Today was mine, but I'm willing to share now that the day is over.

Tell me what you think.

love the sound of waves...so calming...

The soul's I was willing to share " my" beach with...

a few dead sea shells basking in the sun, and the waves

Oh, yeah and me...

Dreams

Melancholy and sadness are so hard to get rid off,
I woke up in the middle of the night shivering,
still remember the dream vividly...

tanks closing in and firing...
I can see the smoke coming out of the pipes,
that's how close "they" are
the crash of cement as the grenades crash on it,
the whistling sound of debre flying all around me...

Where is my mom?
Dad?
Smoke, dust, screams.
A baby crying

My eyesight clears and I realize I'm in bed...
shit I thought I was over this...
I get up and drink some water,
clear my head,

I'm Dorothy
where are my red shoes?
there is no war
there is no war
there is no war
at least not here...
wait, I hear footsteps
my stomach tightens
here they come

Paranoid,
that's what I have become,

Friends,
family,
sunshine,
even my job
things to think about
to get the foul smell of war
out of my head
why can I still smell it?

I walk over to the stereo
play some music
anything so I don't hear the silence
wrap myself in a blanket
rock myself to sleep
void of dreams

Sometimes

Sometimes,
I rush in,
close my eyes
forget reason
sometimes,
I cry in the bathroom
I hate the sky,
sometimes
I wake up with my eyes all puffy from crying
I smell like smoke
can't remember how I got home
sometimes
I make mistakes
no it's not all better in the morning
sometimes
I get angry at myself
Am I really worth more?
I lie to myself
than I cry myself to sleep
maybe tomorrow it will all be good
was I only dreaming?
kisses in the dark
human touch
alone,
in the dark
sometimes
I wake up and love myself
for the person that I'm not
impulsive,
I should have no regrets
sometimes
I smile in my sleep

I'm going home!

I'm going home to Bosnia and Herzegovina on October 02.
I'll be gone for two weeks, no work calls, no e-mails, no access to SMS or Micros or...

"I am going home!?! Shit! How am I ever going to get my life in order in the USA, buy all the gifts, pack, organize work so I don't get calls..."

Ok so I feel very overwhelmed...I seam to be running in circles...can't concentrate on one thing so I try to do five at once...

"It doesn't work!"my inner voice says..

"Maybe I should postpone the trip till after October?" now I'm doubting myself...
I have this BIG event(Food and Wine Kohler) at the end of October, and I'm coming back to the USA on 17th...I think...I know that if I don't get my duckies in a row before I leave, the week I'll have when I come back to get it all set will just fly by, my suppliers never get me the stuff I need if I wait till the week of this event. Problem is I'm such a procrastinator that it's harder to think of all this stuff weeks in advance. I think I just got some more grays around my forehead...I got red sploches on my face from stress...

" I think/worry too much..."

*sigh*
*scratches head*

Ok so I don't know if other people do this but I talk to myself, sometimes out loud...in a grocery store...while I'm walking...driving...I ponder my shit out loud with myself...I realize I do this as people give me these wired looks or worse they try to get in on my conversations...

"Back off! These thoughts are mine and mine alone!"
yeah that is what my brain will scream out to me, no I never say it out-loud, but I get very surprised when people start answering my questions to self...I look up at them like I just woke up from a dream and wonder:
"Why did you say that? Did I talk out loud? as I smile and look them in the eyes...

*ok so that explains a lot about me*

Anyways, work would be a lot easier if I had days that lasted 29 hrs...these extra 5 hrs would let me catch up with my stuff at least in the next week. You see problem is I can't give up hanging out with friends, listening to great music, besides working around 60-70 hrs a week.
" Who needs sleep anyway?!?"
Having a beer with Jules and Kurt while listening to Craig and Carrie play at the Green Room last night made me relax...take a deep breath and think...

"Work is just work...yes I love it, but nobody can be perfect all the time."

*sigh*

"The world of Wisconsin Room will not crumble when I 'm not there," I 'm not worried about that but I don't want to put on an extra burden on my staff because I didn't get my shit in order before I left...So, I confirmed my tickets today...I leave at 16:35 (yeah military time) from O'Hare, Chicago, can't change my mind about this anymore...called my sis told her I land late tuesday...

"Yay!"

Ok so my head is still pounding, and my hands shake when I think about all this...It will all work out, right?

Sunshine

Ok so I've been reading Mr. Burns:)
I actually "stopped and smelled the roses" it felt great!
Went to the lake( Michigan) had lunch at my favorite place "The Weather Center", had given up on it for a while my ex loves the place as much as I do...and I was not in the mood to share. Anyway, sunny, no clouds, no big crowds, no music even...a family in the corner truing to crouch into the shade...Yellow jackets are just attacking the little boy and he's laughing

"Mom look at the bees!"

Mother takes one look at the yellow jackets picks up the boy and takes him inside. The big "Blue Harbor" is obscuring my view of the Lake, but not going to let that bother me. The sandwich is just pure bliss...and the breeze is playing with my hair.

Oh...God Do I Love Wisconsin!

I got in my car popped all the windows open, drove up the hill, parked...carefully turning my back to the ugly power plant...and exhaled....
A few boats on the horizon, few people sailing.

*lucky them*

I came to a realization:
I love life! I love my job, even thou it's hard at times. I love all my friends! Love the hugs I get when I feel like all the walls are closing in. I am not afraid of dying, but hell I'm going to squeeze every drop of life before that!

I get back in the car turn on New Horizons by Yonder Mountain, and head back to work.

ps Thanks Mr. Burns for the link, found it, love it, now I'm a convert.

Accomplished

Accomplished...that is what I've felt last night. I went to Chicago yesterday with a crew of movers and moved the whole office to WI...very tired. I found muscles in my body that I have long forgotten exist...I woke up this morning with a big grin on my face, yeah I've gotten the big thing done. Now I have to organize the office...

"Shit that will take me only a month or sooo..."

Yesterday I got a call from my travel agent, my trip home seams to be happening on October 2nd. I was so ecstatic...couldn't sleep.

Than this morning I get an e-mail from my sister:

"Dear Dzenana, dad just got out of the hospital, was rushed there sometime yesterday...all is good he's home , it was a mild stroke(again) now he's on bed rest...When can I tell them you're coming to visit? You still are coming? I can't wait to see you...sorry about the bad news, but he really is fine..."

"Shit, fuck, jebiga, sranje..." my thoughts exactly.

I want to get on that plane today and go see my dad before it's too late. How do I stay positive when all this shit is happening? Yeah now I'm whining, and I feel guilty that I have no tickets as of yet...Yeah I know all will be fine, he'll still be there but...

"will this be the last time?"

*sigh*
*tear*

Uncomfortable silence

Today as almost every day I was asked about my accent...I really don't mind the questions but the thing that always gets me is the questions like these:
"So are you a Muslim?"
"So what religion are you?"
or like tonite
"So are you Christian?...yes you are I can tell by your facial structure...aren't you going to answer me?"

What the H... am I supposed to say? I'm at work, the customer is always right, I can't offend them, but how do I let them know that
"It's none of your business!!!"

Tonight I opted for:
"I'm not going to answer that..." looked at him with a stunned look on my face...
I wanted him to know he'd offended me but not going to give him a chance to get me in trouble.

I used to ask questions like:
"Do you always ask your server/bartender what religion they are?"
The answer was always the stunned silence, and than:
"Well that's different..."

When the peace agreement was signed, this seams like ages ago, but it's not even a decade....
I had a customer ask same kind of questions, and I'm not shy so I answered, where I'm from what area...city etc. Than he made a comment about the 'Old Bridge' in Mostar, the city I'm from...who gunned it down. I disagreed. He was blaming the wrong side...
His question to me was:
"And How Do You Know That?" in a raised voice...
" Becouse I was there, I saw it happen, I know the time of the day, I know the names of soldiers who manned the gun, I know how the earth shook when the bridge went down. I know because it's the first time a really cried..." I looked at him with defiance in my eyes, I didn't care that he could get me fired. I didn't care...


I want to scream when I hear that answer of "That's different..." and ask "Why???"
If you are familiar with the conflict in Bosnia, you know that it is highly political and religious conflict. You really can't tell the difference between us...We're not different skin color, accents or etc. Last names, that is what determined whether you lived or died for a while, not what you really believed in or not. Who was your mother, father even grandmother. But that is besides the point. What upsets me is that these people don't find it at all rude, unusual, politically incorrect...the list goes on to ask this of a total stranger just because I said "I'm from Bosnia and Herzegovina." And we are talking some highly educated people with deep pockets and lots of connections.

So do I start lying, and just say "I'm from around here..."
I think my accent is still too strong for that...Besides I hate lies...

Things that make me sad

The thought of September 11th...
I feel different about this country since that date...closer, connected, I belive in my friends...
Aside from all the politics there is the sadness of the whole day...
Now this is about me I'm not trying to offend anybody, just thoughts of my own fear in my mind. I remember that day as I spilled the whole coffee cart on myself as I saw what was happening... I remember the horror of the thought of going through another war...

The Fear...hmmm.... I still get chills...my hair raises on the back of my neck...I can hear the rifles, the thunder of distant grenades being fired, the footsteps on the staircase...

I wanted to pack up my bags and run. Yeah kind of hard to understand. I was not afraid but stunned, reasoning with myself why "this" is my home and why "I'm not letting it go"
Than, days after people asking about "your" religious preferences....

"Shit not again! I am not letting my life happiness be determined by some name, or where I came from..." see I've believed in the system at home, trusted friends...and it all went away with the first grenades being fired. That perfect world that existed in my head and in my bubble dispersed with the first sound of bullets... The world I lived in after the bullets was black and white. Nothing that matters in normal world matters. Numb is what you become, kind of like being stoned all the time, never getting off that cloud...
I have had my best friend stick a gun to my neck because I didn't agree with what he was saying/doing/believing in... Left it all back home on New Years Eve of 1994, the fear, the ex friends, the trust in society, my innocence, my freedom, all gone. Forever.
My fear came crushing down on me again on September 11th...
"I'm not safe..."
My friends came through this time, got a hug from my New Yorker friend D. as we both cried, her for her family there in NY and all those lost souls there.
The next day I decided
"This is my home! I am not afraid! Not giving this up! I can make myself feel safe. I refuse to go back to living in black and white...Never Give Up!"
became my motto...

freedom is not just a word,and I really do get it...

So tonite I sent e-mails to a few friends in Iraq, thanked a few who have been there, called my mom and dad just to hear their voice...and prayed to God(not sure which one? does it matter?)

"God rest their souls..."

Ho Ho Merry Christmas???

I am so disappointed...sad...mad...
The stores are pushing the seasons on us, what is there to do?
I was at Younkers today and as I was browsing the shoes on sale(*snicker*) the sales people started rolling out the Christmas trees...hmmmm....

I got cold chills... It's September 9th !!! It's officially still summer!!!

I always thought that rolling out Christmas stuff the night of/after Thanksgiving was the norm?
Than things started changing....first it was Christmas trees in the store windows after Halloween. Now the Halloween stuff is on sale already? And we're skipping Thanksgiving because that holiday doesn't make the stores any money???
What happened to the meaning of Christmas? You know family, tradition, religion, etc.
Just makes me very unhappy and sad that because stores want to make extra $$$ we are forced to endure Christmas trees in September. Ruins the whole feel of the season...
So now I'll buy gifts in the next month, change my mind a few times and than buy more come December. But the worse thing is I get sick of the Christmas lights, the songs...It's supposed to be a special time of the year and it seams like I'm being robbed...Robbed of the feeling cocooned by the fire with my family sharing the glow of that Christmas tree...waiting for the morning anxiously so that I can open the gift... but really loving the hugs that my mom is giving me...
I'm sad for the kids I don't have...

What do you think?

Light at the end of the tunnel

This was a big week. So much stuff that I have done, feels like I'm finally seeing that light at the end of the tunnel. Lots of little things, stories that tie into little old me.
**************************************************************************************
Labor Day
Had my first day off in what felt like weeks...Love my sleigh bed...Until the phone started ringing. Yeah, yeah should have turned it off, but I never do. Always think that I'll get called into work, or my Mom will call, or whatever...
I have this pebble crusted table next to my bed, (thought it was cute and unusual, with all those green and brown stones tied with cement) it keeps all my essentials, books I'm currently reading, lamp, Kleenex, phone charger, alarm clock, water bottle...
When the phone rings, It Wakes The Dead! I don't think it helps that the vibrate is on with the Killers song "Don't put me on the back burner",
"Gotta remember to turn the damn thing off!" I think to myself as I try ignoring the annoying rumble of the phone jumping on the table...
**************************************************************************************
Tuesday
Met with J. my new boss, bright and early at 8AM. Got a new office space, in the middle of nowhere...Went home. Took a long nap.
God how I love those!
(remembered to turn the phone off:)

Woke up with the alarm going off...
"Why did I set it ?" I wonder...

Going to pick up Kurt at Midway airport, lucky boy who went to Colorado for a weeks vacation.
It is Tuesday, so Jules, Kurt and me head to "La Fuenta" for pitchers of margaritas, and some really good Mexican...Yummy! Well since we are down there...might as well go for some good blues...this time I took my digital with me...Awesome time! I can still feel my heartbeat speed up as I think of the way Alex makes love to that mike, and his guitar...Or the way Benny plays that harmonica. Gets me every time. I forget all else, dance my heart out. Rev' says " I love it when you guys come...you bring the party here..."
Got home way too late...always forget that the ride home from Milwaukee is at least an hour long... Yeah I was sober, like a real DD, I stopped drinking at 9PM...Drove home at 2AM hmmmm....



**************************************************************************************
Wednesday
7AM, my alarm goes off..."what the hell?#!?...my head had just touched that pillow..."
I drag myself out of that eden, called bed as the devil on my shoulder whispers"just sleep in..."
take a cold shower, drink a pot of coffee and J. is at my door to take us to the Windy City...
I used to love the "big city" now all I see is the homeless people on the streets, garbage on the corners, wires sticking out of walls as I thank my "wisdom" that I picked this place not to live in... Can't stand the smell of gas, the voices in the post office, the mere possibility of crime...
The traffic is horrid, I think the whole City of Chicago is under construction...it seams that the tollways are all closed off...makes me cranky...
We get to the office, the place looks like somebody opened the windows during a storm and never closed them...wind blown papers, what used to be archives...makes me sick to my stomach...
I'm back in my tunnel and there is no light, no way out..."Shit what did I get myself into?"
I drink some water out of my bottle," Breathe" I think to myself, it looks worse that it really is...
We drive back to Wisconsin hours later, no music is playing and we are both thinking...you can hear our brains scream...Traffic is worse on the way back.
I call into work...let them know I'm running late...
"I'm going to mess my main income with this" I think to myself, I'm afraid to say anything.

Tomorrow is another day...

**************************************************************************************
Thursday
I sleep in...Go buy a desk and a chair....
Go to my full time job, exhausted...Long day of work.
Deal with a few 911 calls, a few people are unhappy, golf rounds were too long.
I want to say to them"I don't care" but I keep on smiling, taking notes, nodding my head...
I get a call at quarter to eleven :
"You need to take some Tylenol PM to Mr. Brown in room..."
"Great," I think to myself, another one...
I get there, knock on the door, he smiles, thanks me profusely and hands me a $20
There is hope, some light at the end of the tunnel.

**************************************************************************************
Friday
I got paid for the past few days of helping out...Yeee!!!!!!
Had a meeting with my "other" boss, told him I got a part time job. He's not too happy, I can see it on his face. I try to explain...I hate being emotional...But here is the reality:

• I can't make it on my own with my lawyers bills
• I have to help out Mom and Dad and my Sis
• I have nobody else to depend on but myself
• I hate crying, or telling him this

at the end he understands...says I have to let HR know..etc.

I go back to my dining room and it looks great, Sean my chef has set up the seafood buffet and it looks great.

Once again light at the end of the tunnel.

1

Good Bye My First Love

Today would have been
"our 12th anniversary"
does it still matter?


I know it still hurts.
I found a picture of "us" in my desk at work last nite, I cryed for what we should have had, and for what we let slip out of our hands. Or maybe that's just me? I hate failure, I don't know how to give up, so I give second chances to everybody. *he got fifty*


Yesterday, I talked to a friend who used to hang out with me and my ex years ago...He's back in town in business and gave me a jingle at work. Said he knew I'd still be here... I guess I am kind of grounded in Wisconsin...

It was kind of uncomfortable when he asked about Haris,what happened, where it went wrong, why, how etc. Such a nice warm fuzzy feeling.
*sarcastic sigh*
We agreed to meet later...Well this hospitality business is like a fickle lady, I ended up being called in to work, so I called to cancel our "date." He was at "his" house earlier...
I thought it wouldn't hurt, anything my ex has to say about me I know I should be like" I don't care.." But I do. Amassing that he can still hurt me with words, and not be even in vicinity of me.
Yeah, words still hurt.
But I am going to be the adult here and say Good Bye...

Hurt

My body was his temple,
nobody looked at it
but him

nobody touched it
but him

nobody kissed it
but him

nobody gave me butterfly's
but him

nobody made it hurt
but him

nobody ever made me cry
but him

Good Bye
my first love

Good Bye
first kisses

Good Bye
Hurt

Wrapped around it's fingers

Why I love Wisconsin...
Hmmm...
I had to send my Mother a map of Wisconsin with Sheboygan circled on it just she would know where I live...
Lake Michigan might seam big to "us" Wisconsin-ates but for somebody who's never been to the US? ( no pun intended to anybody who has not been to the US) Where is Sheboygan?
My conversation went like this:
" You moved where?" *frustrated sigh*
"Yes I have the map of US in front of me, yes I see Chicago on the map...But Green Bay?"
" Ok what the h...?@!# is a 'cheese head' why is that supposed to be important to me?"
Ha Ha ha...
Yeah that was my Mom, she is quite a woman(always wondered where I got my non-subtlety from) wondering where her precious daughter is now. I'm not very good at explaining, and I was tired of the long drive from Louisville, KY. which by the way was all that I expected from the US, living in the getto, crummy job, etc. Yeah had no expectations, had learned long time ago that life is what you make of it, nobody owes you anything...very glum out- look on life don't you think?
Moving to Wisconsin was like moving to the the dreamland. No fast cars, no city noise, a decent job (I worked as dishwasher:), but there was no shootings on the street,no cops at any time of the day knocking on your door asking have you seen your neighbor do this...
Like it was not hard enough that every time the tornado sirens went off...
I felt like running for cover, always sleeping with a pair of jeans and boots by my bed(memories of home) *sarcastic sigh*

Wisconsin was total bliss...And Lake Michigan a cure for my soul.

I used to play music late at night when I first moved here, it was too quiet, couldn't sleep. I'd start listening for the footsteps, and my paranoia would set in, here they come...
I hate even thinking about this, I read my journals every now and then, when I start wondering why am I here? Somehow I try to make sense of all the senseless warfare in this world.

Back to Wisconsin...when ever I feel blue I tend to go down to the Lake, I love the feel of the warm sand between my toes. The colors always surprise me, so unpredictable, clear, and muddy at the same time. There is bend on the road as I head toward Manitowoc past the golf course that is breathtaking. I always park my car and just breathe...Yeah, right next to that "no traspasing "sign...I got out of the car and took a few pictures, just with my phone so they are not great, working on the uploading of them....*sigh*
My love for Wisconsin has grown slowly, without me even noticing. When I travel I think of this as home. For a while I felt guilty because home should be Bosnia, Mostar..*sigh*
But, home is where I am and for now this place has me wrapped around it's fingers...