Rebound

What happens when you are friends with somebody for months, and than all of the sudden you like them for other reasons all together? How do you decide that it's worth a try and risk the friendship that you've had? Even if they are having a hard time and are getting over a hard break up...Shit...this is hard.
I am not a rebound, I can't be one and how do you say no to something *somebody* that you really want? Because it is better that way?

Intense, that's what people that know me call me at times...
I am admitting this and it is so hard, ok I like this guy:) I like him as a friend, I like hanging out with him,I like taking to him, I like his work ethics,
I like, I like, I like...

But it is not the right time,
because I'd want all,
because I can't settle for less,
so I should say no next time?
again?
I don't want to cry,
I want to wake up
with his arms around me
but I don't want to run
while the sun is coming out
and I would,
I know I would

Picture:)

My weekend was filled with the Food and Wine event, stress, wine, stress, friends, stress, martinis...Yeah, it was a great weekend, most of my friends dressed up last night for the Halloween, not me...black turtle neck and jeans. A guy asked me last night what was my thought behind my costume(hmmmm???)
"I'm a cold hearted bitch!" was my answer.
Per Jadey's request I got one picture, my buddy Mike was all dressed up, not sure what he was supposed to be:)

independance

to celebrate my one year of independence I met up with a few friends, sang a few songs, had a few glasses of wine...

a new recipe:
dessert wine Dolce 1/2 gl
Dom champagne 1/2 gl
combination:deadly,
cost: insane,

but the experience was memorable...

Hope

So I have been back in the US for a while now and maybe this cold that is making me feel miserable will go away...but so much to do...
I saw my old boss today...this guy gave me half my grays in his time:) but it was nice running into him, dished for a while patted me on my back, for now having his job *yay Jenna!*
felt very good either way.
Seams that this month has all been about wrapping up lots of old stuff that was festering in my mind...job issues...family stuff...friends and their importance in my life...where I am and what do I want and how to get there.


All this sifting through the pictures makes me remember things.
Thursday will be my first anniversary of leaving Haris...
Made me think about how comfortable am I with being alone?
I know what I like about it, like :
I can leave my clothes littering the floor without any guilt what so ever...
I can burn candles because it gives me a sense of peace...
I can write about myself
make coffee the way I like it
visit my family without the guilt trip
talk to dad any time I like(2am is like perfect for him:)
see a pattern? all about me! kind of worries me
should be only focused on me?

Things I hate about this are waking up in the middle of night and feeling alone, but how do I explain the feeling of not wanting to share my place with anybody?

"that too shall pass...have hope..." my friend D. says.

Hope...big word meaning big things...and I have hope that nice things will come my way.

home...

Things that I miss the most about home...

no cars allowed

why not have some esspresso:)

view of my mom's balcony...

had my first kiss in a place that looked like this...

Pictures from home

Can't seam to bring myself to spill more
maybe if I simply start,
the things will fill this empty page.
Serene, happy
I don't need to work for the love
I feel it even when I'm not there
when I'm miles and oceans away
I know I am loved
Gives me peace
makes me smile
who cares that it's almost snowing?
cold outside
and so warm inside my heart
I love you too

So instead of writing more about home I decided to show you,
how beautiful it truly is

these were taken right outside town Bihac on a property that my sister recently acquired, yeah that was me in the distance taking up the whole bench:)

This one says "Caution Mines!" right next to this fence;( scary, but I was told that it was just a percussion since the area has not been checked.

Feels like home

How do I describe all that I have seen and felt in the past sixteen days? How do I put on "paper" my emotions and those of my family, friends...even my country? Bits and pieces...somehow don't do it justice...this whole year has been a journey, tougher to live with the pain when the object of the most pain has been" removed". Hmmmm...

Last year at this time I was packing boxes, searching for a place to live, some kind of piece of mind...Buried all of the pain for years...pain of loosing friends...pain of being in war, still a kid with dreams that all had to be buried deep down. Still sometimes I feel selfish when I think "only" of myself, what I need, where I need to go. How much money is that costing? How much should I be sending back to Bosnia? How much is ever enough? Can money buy happiness?
Is chasing my dreams selfish? Why do I feel alone, like I'm missing something, jet my conscious mind says I shouldn't be feeling what I am...Was I only reaching for the stars? What is hope? Where are my roots, is giving up my citizenship like giving up on my inner self?
Oh, yeah and there is the tough one of the religion...new beliefs...or maybe old. Segregation of cultures, do I have to be like "them"? How bad is it because I'm not?

Black and white worlds that are not my own but I somehow belong to them...

Yeah crazy...my thoughts this whole year have been questioning, searching for peace of my soul.
***********************
So here goes...
Munich was like what a vacation should be, fun, money spending is easy because I'm so far away from home that I let myself indulge in this dream world. As I was walking through the airport(yeah could not get off the airport need a visa with my passport) I wondered into this room with awesome paintings titled Vibes in Motion.
Not a soul in site, in the middle of this gallery a massage chair, boy did that feel good, got all sucked into the comfy feeling as well as the paintings dancing around me. Check them out at :
www.harry-s-art.com
here is a sample, was a post card that I'd picked up.

***********************************

Off to Bosnia...I love to fly! Who cares if the plane is hitting turbulence? Those are just clouds, wisps of air, caught together in a storm. I was sitting next to a woman who got hot coffee spilled all over herself and me. No, that didn't spoil my enjoyment of the flight, made me miss the whole sight of the Alps tough...only the tops of them were visible, and all I caught were glimpses...

See? Not so menacing are they?. I Always get surprised when we land, kind of like a rude awakening. But I guess we all have to wake some time.

*************************************************

My excitement had grown so much that I cried when I saw my Dad waiting. I get to be very possessive and don't like to share "my" time with my parents*one of my bad traits, sigh*

We get to my parents place, and that small apartment is filled with smiling people... *all here to see me, I can be vain right?* My Mom is there my sis,her kids, and a bunch of faces that seam to melt into a crowd. I'm tired, haven't slept at this point in days, and they all want to know stuff...*sigh*

On with my hospitality mask, smile shake hands, give/get hugs, I can barely understand them, but it would be rude not to.... "when are they leaving?"my subconscious is saying. Finally it's around midnight and they leave. I love the fact that the sun wakes me up in the morning as well as that smell off coffee. Time to get in some family time. no fake grins here, Mom knows all, she only smiles when I tell her that I turn around in my living room at times to see if she's there when we talk on the phone...

I've missed them. This time it's different. They want to know if I'm OK. If all is done even though we have talked so many times about it all. I miss them, I think the older I get the more I appreciate them. The phone is ringing of the hook. Ha ha ha. Cousins, uncles, friends. I can feel the love, I know they all care... the don't pry into my heart, I simply open it.

My favorite uncle is on his way from Sarajevo. he gives me a bear hug. Makes me grin even now, because I feel safe, like a five year old swinging and asking to be pushed higher. Every time I hear his voice, or get that hug takes me back to that glimpse of memory.

We Bosnians do everything with coffee. That is meet, greet spend time, make friends, date...all with that simple invitation for coffee(Turkish or esspresso) ...a ritual. So we go down to the river, and Una is just winking at us, seams happy to see us like I am to see her. Hmmmm... Have a few espressos, feed the ducks in the water. Take a walk in the park, the leaves are getting that sun kissed look and falling down on my face and hair. I want to run into the piles of them and jump up and down of joy. More cousins on the way, they'll be here today.

It's saturday, there are two soccer games on, qualifications for the European championship, Croatia is playing England, and Bosnia looses pitifully...but that's ok I guess. The Bosnian team plays like our country's politics(Bosnian) all divided, stressed out non-coherent. But, hey at least we're not shooting at each other. My sis was working on lunch, she doesn't pay any attention to the screen, smiles at me as the says:"Thought you'd grown out of that, daddies girl...". Than on the news: "...a racket launcher was fired at a mosque in Mostar while it was filled with people... a car bomb exploded hours latter... nobody was hurt..." yeah back to reality, no matter that we're not at war anymore, shit like this happens all the time. It spoiled my buzz from the soccer game. Dad's only comment was "...you're not going down there, right..." Yeah that seamed like a wise idea, still made me sad that I won't be able to say hi to all my friends and family...or pay my respects to the Old Bridge...there is always next year.

To be continued...

Munich

So I woke up this morning, yeah that was yesterday:) and called my ride James...He answers the phone after the sixth ring
"Hello*muffled*, hey it's you...yeah I just got home, I have spent the last 24hrs in the em,emergency room...."

Ok, PANIC!!!!

"What was wrong, are you ok?" I ask as my mind is racing, how am I getting to Chicago? He doesn't sound like he can drive. Shit!

"Yeah I'm ok, but I have to stay in bed for the rest of the day...can Kurt drive you?"

*sigh*

"Let me call him, I 'll work something out, I can always drive myself and park the car at the airport...call you back!" Ok, Kurt is on his way to my place anyway, dropping of my suitcase, so I'll just call him and ask can he miss work...
"Hey Kurt, have a favor to ask, my ride to the airport just fell through, can you drive me? I'll even drop of my car with you? *hope he can, hope he can, hope he can*

"I would love to but we start the new testing today, I'm in containment today for the next 24hrs" Kurt is a chemist, some days he works round the clock....
"Kiddo I really am sorry, let me think, maybe we can find somebody..."

Think quick! I start brainstorming...

"Hey Kurt, I'll just call the limo service, they may have something, it's still early. See ya in a bit!"
My damn phone is ringing of the hook, I don't think I can take any more stress, no sleep in days and I still have to follow up on a bunch of stuff, like pay my bills, get cash, finish packing...
Ok, focus!

*Get on line call*
" Yes, miss we can pick you up at noon and have you at O'Hares at two thirty..." Jason, I think that's his name was great, love people who get emergencies and can expedite stuff fast. Maybe it helped that my girfriend D. came over had the calls handled, Kurt gave me a big hug:)
Call back james as now i should really find out how he's doing, what is wrong, etc.
Such a drama queen. I feel like I'm barely keeping it together. On the bright side(and there is lots of bright at this point) I have not had a cigarette since Saturday for Jenna!!!!!
So all the people are gone I have all my stuff, maybe this is a good time to call back my sis?

"Halo, I vrijeme je da mi se javis!, Kada dolazis?" Amra always speaks in our native language and I have not been using it so when I'm stressed out I speak english to her...
"Hey yeah, I'll be there tomorrow your time after four...Sorry I didn't call, been working doubles and by the time I get home it's too late to call anybody... I can't wait to see you guys! Call you when I get to Munich. See ya soon!" I hang up the phone and take a deep breath, yep all set.
Ok so I have had no sleep...a few short snoozes don't really count as sleep when I have not slept in days. But on the flip side I really do not care as I'll be home in a few hrs...
Gotta do some duty free shopping!!!! Shoes! Shirts! More shoes!
This could be dangerous, I have too much time and lots of credit cards:)


Something nice happened to me at the airport, made me think about this time last year...
As I was getting my bags checked, the attendant looking at my passport and green card looked at it like three times said it doesn't look like me...that I'm much younger than this...
Boy what a compliment, my stuff is a few years old and I look younger? Maybe it's the fact of being single and without "Mr. Wonderful"? Happy! Yeah Tired and still looking better than last year. Either way I'm still grinning, lit up like a Christmas tree.

"Leaving on a jet plane..."

Got home late last night, my voicemail had four messages...

1. Hey sis! When do you land? I need the itinerary so I can plan your pick up!!!!!
2. Hey Dzenana, It's Dad...are you there?hate these things...*shuffle in the background*Call me when you get in! Is she in? did you leave her a message?...*more shuffle*Click.
3. Jenna, it's Mom, are you really coming home?Call me!
4. Hey Jenna call me it's Ismeta, heard you're going home...call me before you leave!

I love my parents but I think the whole message in English pisses them off, I always thinks it's funny, so I save the voicemail and replay it a few times. *weirdo*

Got a bit toasty last night, yeah that's why I have had almost no sleep in the past 48hrs. but had so much fun. Woke up this morning at 7am *sigh* shower work...Couldn't stop singing the whole day.

"...leaving on a jet plane..."

Been grinning like a monkey, and than when I came back to work tonight, I was like a deflated balloon...felt like I was going to fall asleep standing...

"Need sleep,need sleep..." like a chant repeated in my brain, almost like a high, but not as good:)my brain was simply shutting down. But once I got home all that caffeine I've been sucking down kicked in, been packing like a dynamo, singing along, whistling, excited.

God, I can hear my Dad making coffee (Turkish stile, so he grinds the grounds in a hand grinder, for better taste, brews water on the side, has his favorite pot, esspresso cups...) he hums as he does this *grin* but always denies it. Smells divine! Mine never comes out that way, I can do the same stuff same way and nope, the taste is never the same. Can't wait!!!