It's Saturday, and I just scored a day off! I have no clue what I'll do with myself. But as I walk over to my bedroom it all becomes clear.
Laundry day.
Since it's the day before New Years Eve maybe I'll cook some nice dinner, and cuddle up in front of the TV, relax before I have to go back to work. It has been grueling, some of those people can be ruthless, but can also become putty in your hands if you deal with their frustrations with a smile and just listen. I think I'm getting a hang of this:)

So to all in the blog land happy New Year! I shall see you some time next week

passing on

I got a voice mail today from a friend, kind of hard to hear her voice, you see she's my ex husbands aunt, sweet lady in her late forties. ..have not talked to her since last October, I kind of cut off all links to his family it was somehow easier to walk away that way. Yeah this call was strange, sad, left me wondering "what am I supposed to do now?"
You see this spring my ex found out his Dad has cancer, he didn't live in Wisconsin but down south in KY, all alone. I met the guy only during the short period that we lived there back in 1995, seams like ages ago. Anyway last time I talked to my ex we kind of got into an argument as I was talking about going home seeing Mom and Dad, as they will not be here forever. He didn't see his Dad before he went back to Bosnia a few months before, I was pissed, come on "you can borrow money from the old man but you can't see him before he dies? You know that's what's going to happen!Can't say Goodbye when he's dead, and you could spend the rest of your life regretting not seeing him. Why do I even bother? You don't see it! " I know should not point out the obvious to somebody who's already mad, but I knew I was right. His Dad went "home" to die, the chemo was not working and he called it quits in the US. And the asshole didn't go to KY to see him .... I shouldn't care, kind of left it alone, till the call came... "Jenna Haris's Dad died the funeral was yesterday and he didn't make it there...he's all broken up , not sure why I'm even calling..."

Two days after Christmas

"...two down one more to go..." says my chef to me on Monday, one more big party to do on New Years Eve, and the year is over. We're tired, all the staff is a bit weary, we fed lots of people in the past two days, smiled, shook their hands. Little kids that remember our names and faces as we struggle to remember theirs...

I start counting the hours I've worked over the "Christmas holiday" on Christmas Eve I think total was twelve hours...not bad, better than last year:) Christmas Day only nine as I went home sick. Two days latter I am finally out of bed *yay!* my house looks like I have had a few kids over and they had a good time. How much chicken soup can one eat in a two day period? Maybe now I can open my presents? I did take a peak but they are still sitting under the tree. Merry Christmas everyone!

new beginings

as this year is coming to an end I wonder about new beginnings...I continue to throw myself into this abyss that is getting bigger everyday.
What are addictions anyway?
I can't seam to sit still, can't stay at home as there is a plague there and it will devour me if i stay any minute longer. Have not worked out in months, but still pay the premium every month.
I talk to my friend Lejla almost every day about this stuff, she's been there.
She wants me to move closer to her... All this freaking freedom, almost like an animal let out of the cage after being there for years. No more chains, and as morbid as that sounds you miss them, miss the comfort that you had of knowing exactly what each day will bring, how much pain to expect, how to leave it behind when you leave for work. And work doesn't bring the release that it used to. So you try "other things" and I'm not even talking about drugs...this is a different kind of addiction.
Deliberate,
feel that pain,
fear shaking me
the unknown.
I am scared of life sometimes,
I do well under pressure
where is that breaking point?
am I there yet?

not sure why I'm here...it's late, am a bit tipsy, I feel like the whole world has abandoned me, so alone. Why am I writing this stuff? hate being judged. Feel so alone. Going to bed.
tomorrow is another day...gotta have a positive:)

Seasons Greatings

We are almost there three more days till Christmas...wish my phone would just stop ringing!

"Do you know who we are?"

"We've been coming there for years..can't you do something?"

"No way!" I feel like saying... but I still smile say I'll check the books, check them off over and over maybe I can squeeze somebody in? Those smiles make it all worth it..

When the day comes it is so much fun to make all those people happy, so much joy to watch all those families enjoy each others company. The season is not about giving material gifts but so much more. Wish I didn't miss my family so much at this time.

It's raining tonight, slow drizzle, can barely hear it the soft touch of those rain drops on what little leaves are left. So dark. Wish I didn't have to work today, so much to get done . I want to take a walk in the rain let it soak in my hair, maybe sit on my balcony, think about this year that I've had. So much that I have learned, and so many mistakes. They hurt, in a different way than Haris used to hurt me. I still think about him. Is that so bad? Don't miss the caress because we hardly ever had that, not even the soft words because toward the end there was none, from me or him. In times like these I think of him and ask myself " What did I do wrong?"
How could we have had something so beautiful and thrown it all way and ended up with such ugliness? I feel like I'm searching now, for things I never got, things that never were but I know they should have been. I should let them just happen, since that would be easier. But i have never taken the easy road. Nope.

Trust.

Such a small word on paper, I struggle with it every day. How much to give, when and why, how much do they deserve, at work and home, am I going to be hurt ?
Reality is I have no clue, I can only go on what I have learned so far and intuition. And let's face it when it comes to "my personal life" I suck at that. Or maybe I'm just thinking too much, judging myself for all the things I do now, and don't do.

I wanna wrap myself in a cocoon and just feel safe, listen to that rain fall on my windows. Maybe latter, as now I still have to get back to my books, find enough staff to cover the holidays.
Yeah it is Christmas, that I can deal with but who will wish me a happy New Year this year, with Mom and Dad so far away. There is no Santa... and he used to come on New Years, and tuck me in, late at night when nobody was watching.

Today

Today was my day off...hahaha...

my procrastination made me go into work since I didn't get all the stuff done yesterday. I hate my cubicle, can never get any work done there, us F&B people are kind of loud and all over the place in the office setting so the result is no reviews can be done there, no privacy. I usually have some music playing and put on my headphones. Today I felt like a damn caged animal, people stopping by, just looking, felt like if they had a stick they'd poke me.

I left for a while, said I needed to get lunch. I drove home put on some warm clothes, my hiking boots and drove down to the lake. What a release.

at first sight, I have so missed this

my shadow in the sand...

total bliss!

Yes, I went back to work and got more stuff done, going to meet some friends out, tonight is open mike night so a bit of relaxing is in order.

PS they say it was 45 degrees out today, by the lake it felt like only 20, didn't bother me any:)

Portrait of an artist thinker

came in a box...I was so excited , carried it around the house thinking about a "perfect spot" to display it...My first "real" piece of art, a good friend is an artist and she finally decided she is ready for an art show, this was the first sculpture of Brenda's I have seen and I so fell in love with it, had to have it! I am still planing on building a shelf for this but my time has been so taken by other things.Hope you love it as much as I did and do.

California secrets

I kissed a boy in Cali...

secrets

more early life secrets:

#1 I cheated on my boyfriend when I was 18, he was living in Istanbul, Turkey and I was in Euskirchen, Germany. Dated the other guy for three months...Still married the boyfriend, took me five years to tell him about Germany...

#2 I hate shaving my legs
In summer I'll wax them so I don't have to

#3 I'm scared of never having kids but need to have a guy that will be there to have them, and not so sure that will ever happen

#4 When I was a teen I used to go on these binges of not eating, so much that I'd faint. I still do that once in a while, when I look at myself in the mirror, I stop eating for the rest of the day, force myself to only drink water. Sometimes I hate my body, and all the fat attached to it.

#5 I'm scared of animals, *dogs, cats, birds, even fish*if they move I freeze, they tend to sense that and they follow me around*maybe not fish, but still can't clean their habitat*

#6 I love shopping, so much that I got myself in debt, have to stop *sigh*

loving the midwest

I am am back! it was so evident tonight as I indulged in the live music tonight...not sure what I was enjoying most, the music or the company....
My best friend is making strides in her relationship, and it is so beautiful to watch her enjoy the happiness that it can bring. I saw the psycho tonight, in the same bar, in a small place, he texted "I am scared to come over and say hi..."
My first thought was "good" than I felt bad for him...than I simply had a good time as he did not exist...showing him I care, I am scared would give him power and I am not going there, so I had a good time with my friends who walked me to my car:)
So on to the fun stuff the band:
God were they good! Thought I missed Wisconsin, but tonight this was it! I danced my heart out, I loved the band, hugged the singer...OK so maybe they are not as good as Section 8 who might be playing again (Ross you are hidding stuff!) but the guitar player looked like Joe in his early stage(except he plays the bongos *so hot*) I even bought their CD Stealing' Strings...
Listening to the music now, going to bed need to get some rest...

So much to say....

I think I am a bit depressed, leaving all that nice weather can do that to a person. I so totally am still in love with the Midwest but there was no snow on the ground, the days have been gray and my head hurts, I feel bloated and ugly and can't seam to concentrate at work. Maybe because when I came back yesterday my desk was covered with mail, notes, highlights " while you were gone". Shit all I wanted to do was go back to bed! but no I was a real trooper, like any day I stayed at work, some 9-10hrs, came back today and am trying very hard to work, but I know I am not being productive at all. This whole roller coaster of feelings sucks! I want to remember the good stuff to feel great but today it just is not happening, so...

My bed has been calling my name the whole day, do I indulge or do I go home take a nap, and

*go see a drag show?

*rent the Pirates and get cozy in front of the TV?

*help Kurt with installing tiles in his kitchen?

either way it's going to be a mellow rest of the day

this is how relaxed feels....

woke up this morning with shadows of palms moving over my bed, can hear the guy upstairs getting ready to go to work, walking out to take a smoke, opening and closing closet doors.

I am so relaxed, have no plans for anything, feels weird I almost want to plan the rest of the day, but this is better...

I'll go out latter for some coffee,have lunch with some friends

tomorrow I'm planning on seeing the ocean for the first time

my girlfriend had a baby on December 4th and is living in Oceanside CA

Can't wait to see her, see the ocean

go shopping tomorrow...

today I think I'll just lay here in the sun

let my mind wonder

Oh, yeah here are some party pictures from Saturday night:)

this feels like the first days of summer, whole world has melted away and I am all alone, poolside, and all I can hear is the wind softly ruffling the leaves of the palm trees above my head. I am learning how to relax, learning self, this stuff is hard. It would be so much easier just to go shopping, disconnect this part of my brain that is making me question why I do things why I act the way I do why I like certain things. Maybe if i turned this thing off in front of me, and the cursor was a non existent thing in my world I would stop thinking?Stop questioning? That was a reason to come here, to find things out to relax, to not plan, to leave work behind.. Instead i brought it with me, I brought a mound of things to work on...but all I really want to do is sit in the sun and let those rays soak in. My skin feels thirsty, for the warmth of sun for just nothingness...is that what relaxed is? I think I'll just fall asleep, feel lazy don't want to think anymore.Maybe read a book.

scream in the dark

It's dark, some light is coming from the crack under the swinging bathroom door, he's holding me tight by the neck. Can't see his face. I keep on trying very hard to look at him as he's pounding into me, rips my panties off. Shit! I can hear the people passing by, on the other side of the distant door. He's done. I can hear shuffling of the clothes in the dark, the zipper closing. And the light hits my face as the door quickly closes...after him. "why didn't I scream? Call for help? So this is how it feels?" all those thoughts rushing through my head as my body is still screaming form the assault. My hands start shaking. "I should pull up my pants and fix up my shirt!" my mind is screaming like I should have been but no sound is coming from this end of the bathroom.
Silence.

Deafening, I can hear myself breathe, I can hear the people laugh as they pass by those far doors of the bathroom.

Scream!!!

Nothing, nothing is happening. Any more...

I pull on my pants, fix my shirt absentminded. Scrub of my face, like somehow I can take his taste of. Grab my coat that was laying under my feet all this time, and walk out into the light.