"Jenna you have a lot of friends..."
seams like that was my theme of the night last night, I felt loved, cared for and got my share of hugs so much so that "my cup runneth over..."
My girlfriend turned 30 last night, we had a party for her in a local tavern/brewery it was tons of fun, maybe even more so for me since I felt like the whole tavern was giving me hug *hehehe*
Though I kept on thinking that I can only have a few drinks because I need to drive home, 'couse I'm working today. Not a lie really I do have to work but I wanted to sleep in my own bed, dream about my man, and pack up for the holiday weekend that I can't wait to start:)
I'm in love, and it shows so my friends told me last night. I glow, the way a mother glows when she first finds out she's pregnant but nobody else can tell but for the happy look on her face.

"I think that truth is always better than the uncertainty...I think it's better not knowing...because then there is always hope..."

from Uncle Vanya by Checov

make me come apart
at the seams
spill me on that bed of yours
I cry
don't know why
this sadness just swept in and blew me away
strips of me hang on to you
like those pesky cat hairs
that I'm so allergic to

silly me

it doesn't hurt any more
like chocolate that I ate on Friday
I dissolved in your mouth
kissed you senseless
like that will make me hate
Monday mornings less

I put myself together
one piece at the time
hide away things that hurt
smile at them all
I'm fearless
I'm silly at times

I said I love you
cried on your chest most of the night
you make me fall apart

(silly dz went and bought 4 gal of distiled water)

I find myself looking for options ways to "take my eggs out of the one basket" I've put them in. Always have been a one basket kinda girl and spreading things so I don't get hurt simply didn't/doesn't work. Silly me even checked out the singles personals, funny thing I kept on seeing his eyes or his smile in the smiles of all those men that live within 20 miles of me...
Truth is sometimes you do get hurt, sometimes you don't get what you want but as my friend Sara once said " you get experience... when you don't get what you want:)"....sometimes you have to take the plunge and trust that things will work the way you'd like them to.
Been reading a book, The still life of woodpecker great read I find myself thinking about the scenes I've read while I'm working, driving, day dreaming...
How do you make love stay? a question posed in the book makes me wonder about things happening in my life now.
Last week was hell on earth, how could I allow myself this? How could I fall in love again? Never thought that it would be so easy, like a drop of the hat. I love again...
So my answer to the question is: To give and expect nothing back.

I choose what advice to heave to
"you can't pick and choose what advice to listen to...."

Sure I can I like some of them and some of them I don't but in reality it's not my friends that will live with my decisions but me and those thoughts never seam to leave my mind. The ache seems to never really leave just gets pushed in the background of my thoughts and it lingers.
My sad face that I hide reminds him of his, the joy that we shared seems somehow toned down, like we both have built some walls that were never there with invisible hands. Jet we hang on to each other like two drowning souls in the middle of the ocean. I've never seen an ocean, Adriatic Sea is a sight that is inbeded in my soul, wish I could share it with him.

It's snowing outside, covering the dirty left overs from last few days, looks pretty.

I took some pictures of myself thinking that maybe I'll look different in a different light, look at some of them I asked myself "who is this woman?"
I'm not that pretty, look tired, circles under my eyes and my head is aching though in some of them I think I am pretty and I'm hidding some of my secrets...are we supposed to bare all? maybe yes maybe no maybe the fact that "English is he second language...makes her very direct..." Maybe I just don't know how to be anything else but me, and that's not a bad thing





happy even if I am alone

like sand through my fingers you seep away
slowly but surely
only small smidgens of dust
marring my fingers remain

I pour water over them and the sand cakes on
looks dirty, scratches between my fingers
I rush to the faucet again
let the water run and wash it away
yet you still cling like I do to you

I wanna pick up those specks of dust in my sink
apply them back on to my hands
like that somehow will make it all better

it doesn't
so I leave them stuck
on the bottom of my sink

I'll wash it off tomorrow
today I'm going to torture myself
with occasionally staring at them
imagining them back between my fingers

Let me not to the marriage of true minds
Admit impediments. Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove:
O no; it is an ever- fixed mark,
That looks on tempests,and is never shaken;
It is the star to every wandering bark,
Whose worth's unknown, although his
height be taken,
Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and
cheeks
Within his bending sickle's compass come;
love alters not with his brief hours and
weeks,
But bears it out even to the edge of doom.
If this be the error, and upon me prov'd,
I never writ, nor no man ever lov'd.

sonnet CXVI (16)
William Shakespeare

my life as a house

I have windows to my soul built into my body
I have rooms
some I never enter, some I can't live without
sometimes I remodel, get a face lift to say
new haircut, new dud's new shoes
but the truth is my guts never change
they are who I am

ones I can't live without
my supporting walls of my house
I keep myself there
my true self is inside
honest, true, a friend in need, loving,
forgiving, a fighter, a gentle female, sexy,
pretty, a bitch, and a hater.
I also keep my love for myself in there
between those supporting walls
protect it with my life
it's a hard learned lesson, I've learned it long ago

I remember a time I took a supporting wall down
I loved somebody more than myself
gave more than you ever should
unless that person does the same for you...

my house almost collapsed
it's been hard rebuilding it
but I know who I am
know what I want
and know I can't settle for less

so I close my windows to my soul
as the rain beats on them firecly (is that how you say it?)
have to stay true to myself
only way to live free

I can't promisse you forever
forever is a very long time
this gutt wrenching feeing
won't go away

I think at some point I passed out last nite
there is only so many sleepless nights
this body of mine can take

there is nothing more I can do
I feel helpless in
this empty bed of mine
what else am I supposed to do?
freedom of choice comes with concenquences

there are some roads you need to travel on your own
I did
you need to know and so do I
this is is as far as I bend sweetie

love, dz

I'm warm waking up

alarm clock makes that awful piercing noise

like the whole world is coming to an end

is it? I wonder...

the warm embrace feels so comforting

but don't wanna fool myself

it might end any minute...

a smile haunts me

kisses keep me awake for hours

tickle my neck

no I don't sleep

afraid of it being over?

I wonder if that's the reason...

sleepless, too many questions in this head of mine

when and how will it all end

it feels like my heart is breaking and there is not a damn thing I can do about stopping it...
fuck!!!
isn't love supposed to be the "best" thing that ever happens to us?
free will
than again loving somebody means loving them for who they are...
and letting them make their own choices
what ever they are
funny how easy it is to just say that

maybe it's easy for me to know since I've always known exactly what I want and both feet planted firmly to the ground, I still do...

Sometimes I wish that my mind worked in a different way that things didn't always make sence it would be such an easier existance, don't you think?

pftttt.....

never was much for even playing dumb

wish it didn't hurt so much, knowing and understanding are hard things to live with, I guess nobody said life was easy, right? Doesn't mean you ever stop fighting:)