Life is
scary
exciting
wonderful
worth living

Congrats Jade and Kal!
sweet people, hope you guys have a great time at your engagement party and hopefully there are people taking some pics as I'm sure somebody will be. Love you both!

Crazy life of Jenna

So much stuff happens in such little time, talking to my sister I've discovered how undecided abut life I am and how fine with that I am. When ever I think about life and what I've done in the past few years I wonder about all the wrong choices I've made. Men, jobs, friends all the cool people I otherwise would have never known, jobs I would have never think to do but I'm quite good at and should I forget the fleeting search for love? I mean I can talk till I'm blue in my face and pretend that I was not looking for it but I'd be lying. My crazy life in the past two and some years has been all about taking chances and I'm quite proud of most of it, though without making mistakes how was I supposed to learn ever?
Sometimes I scare myself with how impulsive I can be in my decision making or lack there off:)
So here is the low down:
moving at the end of the week, staying in Neenah actually quite close to the place I'm living in right now but the rent is a bit less and it's a much bigger place with huge south facing windows. The job scene, well I've decided to give it another go and see how stuff develops...maybe I just need to apply myself a bit more, working on that right now.
The love life, well I feel like a total drama queen at times, but we all have needs and at times they are not being met sometimes it helps if we talk about them makes me feel at ease and loved when I don't have all those dark thoughts on my mind. So even though I've been thinking about lots of dark stuff the truth is we're doing good. Even though we live quite a ways away from each other we have managed to spend days together every week, though the day after is a bit tough it's been working very nicely so far.
Plans for this weekend:

• comedy show on Friday
  

• hear Ross play on Saturday and take lots of pictures:)

• skip the game on Sunday and just cuddle at my place

I love this world!!!

What a beautiful day! when I wake up to sunshine and YMSB is playing in the background makes me feel like it's summer time all over again and I just want to dance the day away.
have I said thanks Ross for introducing me to this great music? Well I have now:)
Sly too, thank you as I got this great gift from you, love you sweet man!

Big Day

I accomplished a ton today!
Found a new place to live, made arrangements for my move this coming month, worked a long day, made deliveries, worked a wine event with over 300 tickets sold and it was awesome!!!
Tomorrow is a working day, and that's ok. The days are getting longer and sunnier by the minute:)

four seasons in a day
my mood changes
day is sunny
he's warm as he presses his body to mine
the nights ends too soon
how much happiness can a person handle?
at any given time

here is a woman not afraid to love me
I am scared shit less, but I'm still here

One day I'm ready to move to CA
the next day I want to buy a house
take some roots
live for myself
plant a few things
watch them die
because I have no green thumbs
Who am I?

I ask for advice
than I don't head to it
roads I walk on
change
four seasons in a day

not sad anymore
I can make my life work
positive attitude is half the battle
the other half I'll figure out as I try to stay warm

happy place

had a great weekend saw this awesome band danced around a bit and drank very , very little....

I was too busy kissing him:)

Thank you Jade and Pittfinder....
when I wrote the last post I had lots on my mind some stuff was pilling up in my mind for months some was a reaction to certain things. Reading Pitfinders post made me think that I don't have that... at least I didn't feel like he looked at me that way.
Than I though about all the books I've read about men and women the "he's so not into you" comes to mind as well as "women are from Venus and men are from Mars" not sure if the books are titled exactly this way and at this point that' s so not important. The reality was that neither of us was talking and the more I pushed for some answers for my piece of mind the less happy I was.
I was not hearing him and he was not hearing me and let's face it talking over IM's and phone can be fun but it's so much more fun in person. I was looking for my own validation but was not listening to anything he had to say, because it was not in my code therefore not what I wanted to hear. Ha!
Sooooo....
This strong woman drove up north in the middle of a storm in my head, heart as well as in nature.On my drive up here, my hands were shaking, I was cooling my emotions down thinking about an easiest way out, than I started getting calls from friends I've not talked to....Thank you Nickolai and Kelly :) made me almost pull over the car and turn back, I didn't want it to be over because it was silly this thing was so silly and stupid. I mean I do know he loves me, I was just expressing the fact of not really feeling loved, doesn't mean he's not trying or that he doesn't just that I'm in my own little box. I kept on thinking "don't fucking let me do this...don't just let me walk out, because I feel insecure in me and us"
His Mom saw my headlights and ran out and gave me a hug, about broke my heart, or maybe it just melted all those icicle's of my eyes and my heart. One look at him was enough to take my doubts away though I talked and asked for hours after, tell me....
Truth is this relationship stuff is fucking hard, my emotions run high and this Balkan's blood that runs in my veins boils at times I just have no patience and can't hear anything but myself and my doubts and fears. I has only been four+ months, it's a young relationship and we already know we love each other kinda skipped the intro and jumped in, and when we say honesty is everything I guess after moths of being completely honest we can both tell when we are not absolutely honest...when there are doors that we have closed between us and it hurts at times. Doesn't mean that the doors can't be opened I mean we both had broken hearts and closed doors before, right?

I don't know what the future may bring and if this love that we have found will last I know that it takes two to make it work, that sometimes you do need to work on the relationship and that's ok.
I feel like a drama queen, I cried, I wanted to yell, on the other side I know I just wanted to feel safe and reassured that we can make it work. So Jenna is going to work on yoga and look for a new place to live as I have to move by the end of February, possibly look for a new job and in the mean time find ways to enjoy life. Started yesterday worked a lot, drove some 250 miles, had a great fish fry, fell asleep feeling very appreciated and loved.

Tonite I'm going to see this band play that he's been talking about since we had met should be fun his Mom and Dad are coming as well and some friends should be a blast. I hope we get some pictures so I can share. It's going to be cold, cold, cold.
Once again thank you for all the support my friends means a world to me, love dz.

ghost of her

I can't fight a ghost
I don't wanna fight anymore
seams like my whole life
I've had to fight for a right to be loved
to be valued
to be me
to be free
I'm done fighting
somethings should just be

Reading Pittfinders post about "a woman"
made me wanna be that woman
to have somebody who makes me feel like
I am that worthy
that I am loved every minute of the day
that some things I just deserve

I know certain things about myself
I know who I am
where I wanna go in a long run
I know I'm pretty and sexy in my own right
I wanna have somebody who makes me feel like that like every moment without me is a lost moment, I'm sick of being sad and emotionally drained and feeling like my heart is being dragged through the mud and nothing I can do about it.

It feels like every time I have something beautiful in my hands it just slips out of the palms of my hands like sand. Ok, so maybe some things are not worth having, but damn it! I am a great woman, boy does that sound stuck up or what? I'm worth having, I'm not a petulant child who is stomping my feet to the ground. Saying I love you is simply not enough, I need to feel loved and right now I simply don't.

update

Fingerprinting appointment scheduled for next week....citizenship should be right around the corner, I hope. Than I can go home visit and swing in to Paris. I'd like to land at night so that I can see the Eiffel Tower all lit up. Makes my heart swell just thinking about it.
Almost there:)

birthday

Friends and relatives thank you so much for a great gift for my birthday. I felt so loved, and cared for and well yeah all gooey inside. I guess that is how birthdays are supposed to be. Got some great chocolates that waited for me on my lap top as I woke up wrapped up by my man ( so sweet, made tears come to my eyes) still had to work, but we all need to make a living sooo my birthday date was very nice, have not had one in such a long time. Ok so my 30-ies B-days have been quite awesome, my old Shevegas friends sang quite a few "serenades" of birthday songs on Thursday, but this one was just me and my man some din-din and a few drinks, quite nice if I may say so.
I don't feel older, should I? I mean these 30-ies have been awesome! Finding Jenna is the way I'm going to refer to these years in my old days. Lots more searching to be done but than again I'm in no hurry sailing in some calm waters right now, who know for how long?

so I have to explain a few things here....
I'm really happy, most of the time:)
Not so happy about my job, career and the place I live at. I miss having my friends close by and being able to have a cup of coffee in my favorite coffee shop on Lake Michigan. That being said I also debate the fact that I have not a single friend living in this town I'm at...not a one I can do that with. I'm in love with this great man who lives over and hour away from me, my friends that I miss as well live an hour south of me so after a shitty day at work I'm stuck in an apartment the size of a dorm room that is costing me a small mortgage payment all alone.
So I guess the time has come to look into my options and reevaluate what to do next.

*move back to Sheboygan and be close to friends and lake Michigan
*stay here and get a different job and see what happens next
*look for a job farther north and move closer to my love

Now all of those come with consequences,
#1 ends in me being even farther away from my man and that would end our relationship or put an even bigger strain on my emotional being and I'm not sure I want to deal with that right now

#2 still no friends here and still nowhere close to my friends or my man and the apartment sucks, but what would be the point in moving? Plus I have this lease till the end of summer

#3 no we are not anywhere close to moving in together so am I pushing for something that is way too soon? Building my life around something that at this point doesn't exist? Or just giving us a better chance of succeeding?

Hmmmmm... ok so I don't have to make my decision right now and it's not so pressing but man it just isn't easy. I don't even know what I want to do with my life right now career wise. I just want a job that lets me work, make some money and have a life outside that.
Still looking for that. Wish me luck!

I needed a nap
most of the day I dreamed about my couch
longing for a blankie and a good book
I can hear the snow melt
as the hail is knocking down
my one small lonely window in my room
I fell asleep listening to the rain

Sometimes I cry when we talk
maybe I need to hide my emotions better than blurt them out
like a five year old kid does
Sometimes my heart feels like it will break from how happy I am
than I get all melancholy
serious
and I just want to enjoy every minute of our time
sometimes I wonder if you'll miss me too
when I'm gone

than you say you've missed me

I woke up on NYD and you were not next to me
I managed to not look scared
but a panic seized me at that moment
I woke up last night
and you were gone, again
the light was on I saw you on the couch
smiled and fell asleep again

wonder if he needs to get away form me?
some thoughts occur even if I don't want them to
I know you know
some thoughts are not meant to be hidden

I miss you too

I read this this morning and it moved me...

But a man without desires is a lion.
When the senses see him,
It is they who take flight!
They run away like elephants,
As quietly as they can.
As if they cannot escape,
They serve him like slaves.

-Ashtavakra Gita 18:46

From "The Heart of Awareness: A Translation of the Ashtavakra Gita," by Thomas Byrom, 1990. Reprinted by arrangement with Shambhala Publications, Inc., Boston. www.shambhala.com.

you're glowing Jenna!
like a light bulb I can see from the other side of the street
you've got this light that's turned on from the inside and it's so great to see

I look at my friends surrounding me in the middle of this great Italian place we're about to eat at, and just smile a Mona Lisa smile and lift up my glass.

my happy self hides today from me and the rest of the world...
I spent a restless night in my bed, missed that warm body next to me, tossed and turned till dawn. Had nightmares all happening in WW II and involving torture and prosecution... shit wonder where that came from. My place was cold, freezing, and no amount of blankets or hot showers was warming me up. Sometimes I feel so alone in this world though I know I'm not.
Maybe it's just PMS? Work, no sleep and way too much thinking about what if's.... maybe it's just my fears making me debate silly things inside my head, truth is "que serra serra" I can't change any of it, I can just be me. What ever that might do to the future is beyond me.

Saturday can't come soon enough as far as I'm concerned