my house of cards
it looks gorgeous
it's my castle in a foreign country
sometimes I worry that it will blow away
I worry too much
money is just that
$$$
beautiful dreams
sometimes they crumble
under the weight of reality
I still have them
despite that

I am so jelous of his camera...

lunar eclipse last night

ok so my pics didn't come out half as good as I had hoped but hey at least I got to enjoy the actual event, though it was soooooo cold but well worth it and the icicles look so cool too:)

I think I've spent so much of my life looking at the dark side of things, being restless looking for the "better" thing around the corner or even making myself forget the reality and just working myself to the point where the real world doesn't exist because you're not living but existing.
Guess what I'm not just existing. I've found joy in simple things in life and let me tell you it has not been an easy road, but I'm here now. It all started on that long ago trip to Bosnia in October 2005, my turning point in how I live my life. Some of these times I've felt like I have no roots, no family that's close by and no friends that will last. How wrong I was, but I guess I had to go through lots of doubts about myself and who I am to get on the right path. Kinda like that little red brick road that I'm skipping on right now.
I'm cooking again, like with a passion that I have not had since my teen years, living alone but feeling very much loved, cared for and inspired to think about new ways to live life.
My job doesn't define who I am anymore, I mean I like it fine but there is so much more to life than work. Reading, lots and lots of reading.
Music that is slowly defining my life.
This wonderful man I've got in my life who seams to ground me in ways that I have not felt ever.There are different ways of loving, demanding, suffocating or understanding and growing every day by mounds, this kinda love fits me just fine:)
And last but not least the great family that I have who I care for very dearly who cares for me from far away though at times it feels like we are closer now than we have been in more than a decade.
just throwing out thoughts out of my head, as I take on another move wondering how much this will change my life. The path I'm on can only lead to more happiness.

Moving Day

I'm moving all over again this coming weekend and yes it's going to storm I think but it has to be done... The new place is so cool and sunny even on the darkest day I think it will make me very happy. I can try at least, right? Moving in the mid winter sucks, but I can so think of the great next weekend and how cool it will be to hang out in my crib and cook in my new kitchen:)

It's hard to describe how it feels to be in presence of greatness. Maybe it's the goose bumps on my skin or the excitement that even the low 8 degree weather could not wipe away, be it as it may my bones are still vibrating and imagining this great man on stage.
Last night I saw a concert, one of a kind I'd say.
I saw the king of blues on stage.
This man now 82 years old still has it! As the concert was getting started the chair got brought out, he walked on the stage slowly, sat down and cracked a few jokes about him sitting down, his knees are shot, his back in even worse shape, his voice was frail as he chatted to the crowd.
And than he strummed at Lucille *his guitar* and I forgot that he was an old man sitting down, who cares!? This old man from Mississippi, who growing up had a first job" watching women walk by...and loving it" still has that charisma, the voice is still there and though his body is sitting on a chair man his whole spirit is jumping up and down and saying:
"I am alive, I'm doing what I love" should all of us be so lucky...

There was no encore for this concert he finished with a thank you to the crowd and a question" Should the faith allow me to come back, will you come hear me again?"


My thoughts exactly! Hell yeah:)

Plutoniates-The show

as I was writing the previous post I kept on thinking*but I have to write about these talented guys that I saw on Saturday*
It's so weird to see you in person said R.
I laughed, It has been too long, way too long since I've been in Shevegas and this was special too, for me anyways. The show was postponed 'till 930ish so all the friends can make it to the show:)
At one point it felt like Section 8 was getting ready to take the stage, Joe was there, Steve, Ryan and Ross of course ...pure pleasure ok so I can't forget JP I mean he used to record all the shows for Section 8 talented, what can I say. The Plutoniates jammed for about an hour felt like we were allowed into that small practice room they used to have on Erie Av. one cover song, one:)
so here are a few pics that I stole of the myspace since mine turned out sucky. Hope you enjoy the glimpse of pleasure that I had on Saturday listening to them.

*Nothing is carved in stone, you can change anything in your life if you want it badly enough.

*Time plays no favorites, and will pass weather you act or not.

*Take control of your life and dare to take risks.

*If you are not willing to work for your goals don't expect others to.

*Believe in yourself.

*Be a true friend.

I used to have this framed and hanging above my desk in the office, now it's just posted on my myspace as things I'm trying to live up to. Sometimes it's easy to loose track of the good things in life this past weekend made me realize how much I've gained in the past two+ years.*besides shedding some 70+lbs*

Sometimes you loose friends, you move on or they do, sometimes they get married and you're not part of their scene any more or sometimes you divorce them because they have not been good to you... Sometimes you loose faith in yourself and question everything surrounding you.
Sometimes you find the true you and believe again, that you are a true good friend that you can
do anything and start enjoying the life all over again.
I truly believe that in order to love anybody you have to love yourself. It's ok to be alone I mean it sucks and it's lonely as fuck but it's good to figure some stuff about yourself on your own. Took me a few years to forgive myself for leaving my suck ass marriage, the failure of Jenna. I know it takes two to fail and two to make it work but it took a long time to sink in. I also had to make some mistakes on my own, felt like I was caged for so long that I wanted to do/try everything and anything.
I listened to great music through these few years lots of concerts: Aerosmith, Tom Petty, Pearl Jam (2x), YMSB (3x), Tool, Section 8:) Reverend and the Boys, Dave Steffen *those local boys can lift up my spirit in a second* these just a few that I've seen and heard in the past few years and they have brightened my time on this earth.

I've also since then found someone who gets me, that weird dorky Jenna and it scared the shit out of me. Now I find myself sitting on a couch next to him, reading a great book and I'm happy and content. I almost wanna say at peace and not so frantic. Funny that's what my ex had said to me in December when I saw him that I look happy and content. Yes, it took me a long time to get here and damn it I love it! Just have to keep in mind to appreciate every day, look forward to new things to come and don't be afraid to show how I feel. The rest is easy as pie right? Breathe

As for the job well...I'm trying to get back to the things that I like about this, why I got into this business in the first place, think about the cool things about the job, stick to my planned week and organize. Fuck it sounds impossible at times but I'll get there.

Moving, ok I've not moved quite yet...the lease signing is this week, I move on Feb 22 through the end of the month. The cool thing about this is that I've found a place that is 2.1 miles away from my current abode but is less in rent, has huge south facing windows and is almost identical to my old place in Sheboygan. After debating the new job idea and the complications that moving closer to my love right now could cause I've settled on this solution.

There is no need to rush into anything, there will be a tomorrow after all:P
I'm in love with this great man and yeah I'd love to wake up next to him everyday but I'm not ready. There is still a few windmills to chase, like make this career of mine work, dig myself out of debt...make it on my own.
I'm going to let myself enjoy these great days of serenity and peace of mind that I'm getting to, maybe this road will take me somewhere I've never been before.

I hope so.