I watched a movie a while ago called Sylvia, about Sylvia Plath and the love of her life, the way her jealousy drove him away, put him right where her biggest fear did to...the arms of another woman.
Weird, I can't seam to stop thinking about that. I'm typically not a jealous person that is to say I don't think I am.... Sometimes I worry about the things I say and if they will drive him in her direction. Am I good enough? Is he/ Are we doing the right thing? Shoot, on the other side no way am I walking out. As my buddy Kurt says" Jenna always stands her ground" ha!
sigh
truth is we are all very much possessive when it comes to loosing the ones we love, some of us show it different , some of us have tantrums some claim the eternal love. Me , I question everything, the truth is what exactly? What is love? The touch that lets you know you're the one? Is it that person that completes your inner self? How the fuck should I know?
At one point of my life I had thought I'd found the "one" as it turns out I was only clinging to the familiar territory, of my culture, the piece of my life that was gone the minute I stepped foot out of Bosnia. But I guess we all learn from out mistakes, some of us take years to get to the same conclusion of what love is or is sooo not.
There is not "just" one man or woman that is right. There are hundreds of them. Trick is finding them and recognizing who they are, what kind of happiness they can bring to you.
Is it the excitement of never knowing if they'll stay? Is it the way they look into your eyes and you can see yourself in them. Maybe true love is the one that stays, sticks to you like invisible glue, crazy glue....
Sometimes love is not enough, and that makes me sad.
Sometimes I feel so alone in this fucking world, maybe that's a normal human emotion as we get older, still it sucks. Maybe it's the damn cold/flu that has been bogging me down for days now that's making me feel this way, hard to keep your spirits up when your whole body seams to be giving up in different ways.
I know I worry way too much, I know I've got people that care about me and love me, yes I know that but when you're coughing all alone in an apartment and the bathroom seams miles away and there is nobody making you soup and cleaning the piles of Kleenex of your coffee table or making sure you're still breathing the fact that you're loved and cared for seems to be lost in the day.
So it's not that I don't feel loved I just miss my Mom and Dad and wish they were here to tuck me in make me some tea and check my temperature.
I went to bed smiling last night as Ross checked up on me asking how am I and plus we arranged a time to hang out, it has been way toooooo long since I've hung gout with any friends besides Sly and I miss that.
Ok I think I've ranted way too much here, I'm going to do some laundry now and maybe feel better at least for a few hrs I hope.
