it's storming outside and all I can think of is how great it would be to feel his arms around while we watch and listen to the storm....
Beck in the background playing The Golden Age , would have been a total bliss.
We all can dream right?

I fall asleep only when I'm so exhausted that my eyelids can't stay open anymore, other wise I don't go to bed no point really....
I'm going to see my friends next weekend, kinda like old times, Jules Curt and me.
Damn the 4th of july will be a blast!

I'm not so sad anymore, doesn't feel like I have no control over what is happening to me. The tears have dried up, at least for now. I've got two interviews scheduled in the next few days, hope something pans out:)
Love wise, I've learned a lot. Never thought I would love again after Haris and I do. Maybe it was never going to work..but none of us know that. We all grow up some time and maybe I'm just going through the motions. Feels like everything is in the air, floating. What the hell happened to the Jenna of last year? I'm tired of being sad, crying. Truth is you can't make somebody love you, just like I can't stop loving him.So next chapter starts. We're going to take a break. I exhaled after I said that. I didn't sleep for two days. I'm calm now, not franticly trying to hang on to sand that's spilling between my fingers.
I don't know what the future may bring, but it's going to be grand! I just know it!

3am
can't sleep, talking makes feel a whole lot worse
that doesn't stop me from talking, analyzing, dissecting
whys are endless
My head hurts from all the talking and thinking
hence no sleep

4am
bless you Jade for being on line!

4:05am
eating cereal
looking for new job opportunities

4:10am
one step at the time
one foot at the time
I'll get there
me

sometimes I feel like when it rains it pours
at some instances it snow storms
my life
my emotions

I once saw a movie when a girl goes to the Dr,. and asks to have her senses taken away because it hurts to smell because it brings memories, and it hurts to remember.

I've come to better solution, when I smoke all I feel is the tar in my mouth it burns the other sensations of feeling, now if i cold only turn my mind off I could get some rest.

How ever I add up the facts the result is the same, but if you don't admit it to yourself is it really there? I hate it when the hurt penetrates my thoughts and it's hard to concentrate on every day things like work, bills. When all I wanna do is be held, very tightly, close, and kissed 'till I'm out of breath. Pathetic.That's what I am, hanging on to any thread that might still be attached.
As they say you can't choose who you love, I sure would like to just find the turn off switch.
Just this once, turn it off and move on.

for now....
ok so I'm so totally indecisive about anything in my life right now, and as much as all my friends are talking about how I need to move on and forget him I'm not quite there.
He's a friend, he's not doing this to hurt me, but I guess when you ask risque questions you sometimes find out things that hurt.

"careful what you ask for" has been ringing though my head quite a bit.
So for now, I'm not single I'm still with this man that I'm in love with and we have always been very honest with each other and so we have been again.
Short end of the stick I'm used to though this doesn't feel like that, I know deep inside that he loves me as much as I love him... Hard to explain the things you simply know, you know?
But what we have is safe, comfortable, easy, like having a best friend right there at all times through the thick and thin that you sometimes don't even share with even the best of friends.
We are going to be friends for the rest of our lives, we both know this we're just not ready to be just friends right now this minute.

Truth is I am so unhappy and lonely in my day to day life. I'm a career woman. I love to work but have to really love my job and what I do for a living . Right now this doesn't feel quite like it.
I have no friends here, the kind of cut off feeling sets in when ever I'm alone for a day or more.
This has resulted in clinging on to things that I love in my life and are still around every day.
I feel like I am hanging on too tight, as a matter of fact I have been.

So
I have choices and now the choices have become a bit more, since I know I don't have to hang on to here/now I can be what I wanna be ( when ever I figure that out) anywhere.
This was a great step toward the person I am today, I've moved away from what was my home town for my whole adult life to new waters and it's tough. I've given my heart to somebody the first time since H. and maybe it's not going to last forever but I'm hanging in there for a bit longer.

Plans for the summer:

• fix up my resume
• find a satisfying job even if it means moving to a different state
• don't move to run away from anything
• break in my new riding leather
• learn to ride
• get a bike
• keep what's worth keeping in my life, let go of other stuff

pics of leather on the way tonight:)

lopsided my heart is
and he's brooding

I thought that I'll never feel that pain again..." we'll be friends"...
I don't think I can be your friend
I'm not ready to be a friend
how about i just be broken hearted for a bit?
I'll let my rivers flow
I'll get over it, can't be that hard right?

I'm not a big part of your life anymore
just a memory
bye

ok no more blank page
so on with the good news
had an awesome weekend, lots of hugs,kisses, great people, great friends, tired as...I don't know what the comparison here is....
Anyway
I'm becoming a citizen
next week
and it seams like I'll have lots of support
like friends coming out of woodwork
lunch in Milwaukee after the ceremony
please feel invited if you can make it I'd love to have you

I'm getting a Tattoo as well soon
my first
it will be, the 12th century Bosnian cote of arms
on my right shoulder blade
something to remind me of where I come from

wish me luck!

I keep on getting stuck on a blank page...like there are so many things I wanna say, spill
but they stay bottled inside

so I did what I've done always before to make myself feel better
I went shopping for
shoes
and VC underware
it helped

I cried last night
uncontrollably
for no reason what so ever
I guess there is a way to spill a river
uncontrollably sob

I know the reason
I think
insecurities mine all mine
about work, myself, love
loneliness doesn't help
and I'm lonely because I'm alone

I mean when the show is over at the end of the day
I sleep alone *most of the time*
I live alone

I miss you when you're gone sometimes even before you're gone
I miss my Mom and Dad and My Sis
I miss home
I miss Mountain
I miss Sheboygan

I know I'm loved
sometimes that makes me even more lonely,
sometimes I cry for no reason at all

I meet people
every day

I miss my friends every day

I saw a good friend tonight
I got hit on tonight
I got tempted
deep inside he saw me laugh and smile with my Sly
funny
it was funny
I wanted friends
I was jealous of his girl friends and the absence of mine

I made a choice tonight

I love my man
maybe I have some doubts
but hey that's life
I love my Mountain man
for who he is

simple
honest
smart
loving
big hearted
a man who loves me for the woman that I am
not a just a pretty face
* though he has one*

makes me wanna hug him right now

miss you
sweet man
I'm counting the days 'till I see you again

love
dz