Anyway, keep going forward. Little steps are okay, they can add up to a lot of ground if you let them.

Jim

Thanks my friend!
Jenna

conclusions
I'm still here, kicking , laughing, hoping

Sharing is a weird thing, scary
when somebody shares and unexpected thing with you
so
no more sabotaging this great new thing I have
smile
here comes that strong woman I know I am
keep on repeating this mantra to myself
I'm not a delicate flower
maybe it's harder to be a strong independent woman
it's so much more devastating to see yourself crumble
it leaves these holes in the soul, wounds if that what's you call them
things leak out, when you least expect them

things are good,
he's this amazing man
I'm so never going to live this last sabotage down easy
than again if he still likes me after this
what the hell am I scared off?

myself

How do you trust things?
I thought I don't care as much, not really involved, detached, cool
me
ha!
My Balkans blood boiled over, add a bit of Jack to it all and you have a volcano!
all that equals, shoot I care, more than I thought I do
I need to give him a chance, like a real chance
he seams to like the glimpses of real me
gives me space, and knows how to keep his

he likes me
really does
and all I wanna ask him is
what do you see in me?
Is he still going to think I'm interesting and fun and as Suze puts it "an enigma" when he sees me, the whole me not just glimpses. I'm embarrassed, and I know this will be the last chance we have so I have to give it my best. Truth be told it's not about men in my life, it's about me and the right choices for me. I've been lying and it feels awful.
My eyes opened today, kind of like a slap in my face that I'd dealt myself...guess that happens when you lie to yourself, J deserves a true chance at my heart and I wanna give it to him.
I've said in the past that I deserve a man who can give me as much love as I have to give, well opportunity's a knocking... up to me to open the door and let it in.
Scared shitless here.

October Fest in September

for Jadey....

Powerful Women's Motto:

Live your life in such a way
that when your feet hit the floor in the morning, Satan
shudders & says.. 'Oh shit....she's awake'


love you girlfriend

Today is October Fest in Appleton WI, music, beer, food, people crowds of them.
Funny how life seams to run in a circle, last year at this time I was so excited, could not wait to get in my car and drive up north, who cares about the music and other stuff?
hmmmmm
I do, always have when I think back I've been driving around Wisconsin to see different shows for a long time, and this one is important.
I've made friends people, don't really feel cut off form my world any more, though I miss Sheboygan terribly, ok fine I'll admit I miss him too, loads on some days, not at all on some days.
Anyways, music today it might rain I guess that would make it a true October Fest, like the last one I saw in Germany it rained buckets and nobody cared as long as their beer was not tainted:).

Love angle, have no clue where we're going than again it's a bit too soon to have that idea. It's not drowning, not suffocating, kind of like a delicate dance of two people that have been hurt in the past. I guess there is things to be said about protecting your heart, the older I get the harder it is to trust, give without thinking "what am I getting back?"
Weird.
Thing is I'm comfortable with giving slices at a time, than consider it, wrestle it out in your head at arms length, re-evaluate. I think too much.

On with the music festival!

QUOTE OF THE WEEK
"Getting ahead in a difficult profession requires avid
faith in yourself. That is why some people with mediocre
talent, but with great inner drive, go much further than
people with vastly superior talent."
Sophia Loren

i can see the world in pink
dancing around, singing
shame on me!
I don't even know what I'm so happy about
life?
"every one likes to dance to a catchy song..."
Ween makes me laugh
"I'm gonna do the things I wanna do...."
yeah loving life

I find myself grinning
waking up after a good night sleep
alone, in my bed
work is going good, very good in fact:)

Listening to Portishead-All mine
smiling
grilling out with new found friends tonight
date tomorrow night
my tummy is doing somersaults again
feels good to feel alive

I'm happy with whom I've become!
*insert happy grin here*

Drove down to Elkhart Lake today, met my friends D.
Went to a gallery, found some great stuff nope didn't buy anything though man was I itching to buy a painting , got some food at the Brown Bear instead. Krynn was working, I love her tattoos makes me want to get mine sooner. Food was great, company even better than I was back on the road, back to reality.

Life is good people...after all the sadness and being brokenhearted stuff had to get better, it just had to. In the word of Jenna( hehehe) things get bad things get better, they never stay stagnant that's for sure. I'm finding joy in everyday things, things that make me happy on the inside.
Being a good friend, cooking, walking, hiking, enjoying the sun. Missing the beach and music.
Happiness can be tied to another person, though I'm trying to be happy weather he's around or not, kinda testing my theory of what if's? The guy things are good, I guess as much as can be expected when two cagey, busy, adult people like each other. Going to keep the details to myself for now.
I'm cooking today people!Listening to YMSB, No Expectations my favorite from them and planning out the day of cooking. Home made bread, marinated roast (deciding on what kind) garlic-herbed mash potatoes, greek salad, carrot cake, some good pinot that I have to dig out of my wine closet all in all a feast that I can't wait to cook!

found a new place today, place to clam my soul, let me wonder, smile, laugh...
I discovered a State park close to my home( 15-20 min drive) amazing place, so great that I stayed hours forgetting my hunger and long after my camera's batteries had expired.
Here is a few pics that I did get, beautiful, beautiful Wisconsin:)

the stubborn goat
a person who's so stubborn
like born this way:)

when I fall in love
it will be for a long time
I know I've got so much to give
and all of this has been just practice
practice for the real thing

I want him to challenge me
make me
I want what I've never had
the security

Security that he
who ever that person is
is/will not be scared
by me

I'm
secure
I know what I want
How to get it
Intuitive
Sometimes scared
falling in love
questioning all
Woman

like that should explain all, woman, strong, confident, loving, caring, independent, caring
ever notice how those words define different people?
Mean different things when you look at them individually?
I'm not secure if I question myself and my emotions
I'm a bitch if I'm sure off all and myself
I'm too much, if he's never going to be able to give as much as me

world is a confusing thing
so is love

when do you know you've moved on?

I wrote on this page, things that are so private, yet there is so much that lingers in my mind right now that there is no way to put on this page. I care more about the new smile.
I care about the hug in the middle of the night. I care about hurting him. Wish I'd met him before.

Sometimes you have to loose things, people, yourself in order to find it all in a blink of an eye.
Have no idea if it's going to last, work, but this man has so much life in him that it blows me away every time I look into his eyes. Confidence is build, integrity is learned, love is earned.

Nope I'm lot in love, sure feels like I'm on the road there. Caring about somebody is about more than just love, infatuation, kisses, sex. It's the way it hurts when you've hurt them, it's the way it makes you smile when they're happy. Stuff like that.

It takes balls to put yourself out there. I did last night.

things are good, I think at times I sound more sad than I actually am. I'm sad for the things that could have been, sad that I fell for the wrong thing/guy/whatever.
Things you get used to when you live alone
*sleeping in the middle of the queen size bed, no side preference
*cooking what ever you feel like
*drinking wine/beer/whiskey when you wanna/don't not because you feel you should or not


So, as I said I'm not sad anymore, I mean not any more than I'm sad at times about my failed marriage. I miss him, still love parts of him, it will never be. So time to move on.

Dates:P
a few here and there, but man this feast thing keeps on going, and I'm getting more and more wrapped up in the fact that I am an attractive woman. Hell of a thing to realize when you've barely gotten out of depression! Fear is a very strong emotion, don't like it running my life.
I'm back in the saddle here. Feels damn good to be grinning all the time, thinking up new things to do today, tomorrow, sunday. Keeping that integrity of mine at the forefront of my life.

Exhale

feast or famine
when it comes to relationships
it's either pouring rain, or I'm stuck in a dessert
it's pouring rain right now
I'm happy enjoying the rain

Don't know how many people listen to NPR but I do every day.
I've listened to this old program a few times, it has to do about happiness and the link was sent to me a while back. I guess it's my way of saying thanks.
I am on the road to happiness, and I did listen to this, and it did help, I still try.
check it out.

http://clipcast.wpr.org:8080/ramgen/wpr/dun/dun080728e.rm

"If desire causes suffering, it may be because we do not desire wisely, or that we are inexpert at obtaining what we desire. Instead of hiding our heads in a prayer cloth and building walls against temptation, why not get better at fulfilling desire? Salvation is for the feeble, that's what I think. I don't want salvation, I want life, all of life, the miserable as well as superb. If the gods would tax ecstasy, than I shall pay; however, I shall protest their taxes at each opportunity, and if Woden or Shiva or Buddha or that Christian fellow-what's his name?-can not respect that, than I'll accept their wrath. At least I will have tasted the banquet that they have spread before me on this rich, round planet, rather than recoiling from it like a toothless bunny. I can not believe that the most delicious things were placed here merely to test us, to tempt us, to make it more difficult for us to capture the grand prize: the safety of the void.To fashion of life such a petty game is unworthy of both men and gods."

Jitterbug Perfume, Tom Robbins

I love my blog!
This is my space and mine only...Ok maybe not but I decide what to put here, what to keep and how it's going to look. Sometimes I think it's too much, what if there is too much here about me?
I know there is. me all over the pages of the blog. Selfish, sad, happy, laughing: me.
How do you decide what not to write about? I mean some of us decide on privacy, some don't.
This is my diary. My way of telling my story to myself and who ever decides to read this.
You don't like what's there stop reading.
came to some realizations in the past month:

*Still miss him like crazy, but I deserve so much more
(me missing you, you missing me, enough of that...you're in love with her...so stay there)
*Moving on is a good thing emotionally and professionally, the only way to grow is embrace change

I have a date today, he's fun, likes motorcycles, skydiving, wine and well me...
Wish me luck!

I'm tired of missing
this week was hard, harder than most first weeks in September I look around my home and I can see my depression manifested all around me.I hide from it.
Like any September before this one is a new beginning, maybe that is why I love fall as much as I do...Maybe that's why beautiful Wisconsin is home.
I ran out of clean plates, forks, spoons....hahaha my kitchen now looks like his always did. Full of leftovers, plates piled up and tons of utensils. My clothes littering the floors of the small apartment I live in, I trip over them at times, and my collection of shoes, once so nicely taken care off is stuck in a closet.
Weird. Sad. I've let myself go that far.
It's not about him...my depression had to do with the loss of Jenna. You know the strong woman that knows how to make the right choices, who knows who she is and what she wants, the one who always goes for it no matter the cost. The one who laughs all the time and enjoys life to it's fullest. You know the Jenna that's never taken for granted. The one who's always sure of her self. She's been missing.

Found her again, I think.

My head's been pounding most of the day.
Thinking about all this stuff in my life. Who the f... have I become?
So unsure of myslef, feeling ugly*from inside* insecure.
My walls have thickend enough me thinks...I'm ready for the outside world all over again.
In the next few weeks I'm going on a few dates, checking things out kind of like a try out, test out the waters. It's time to put away the old and push away from the shore so to say.
First thing is first I need to organize, clean, purify so to say my place of existence for now.

Slowly, shyly she peaks her head out there and looks into the distance, witha wide stance, eyes wide open looking toward the future. Who knows what tomorrow may bring?

box
I remember a cardboard box packed up neatly
in the left hand corner of a room
first time I didn't feel loved ever

I remember a box that sat there for months
waiting
for me to take it home
I remember a box that traveled home
in the back of my car
after I was betrayed
I remember a box
it now sits in a left hand corner of my room
it's unpacked
home at last

I look at the box that I just broke down as a left over peace of past that no longer needs to be hang on to. It was too small anyway. Never would have fit the whole me.

I still remember the box that used to sit in the left hand corner of the red wall painted room.

been a while since I've really cooked for mysel and even longer since I've enjoyed some Metallica, feels great, sounds even better. Back to basics:)
and
Nothing else matters

"success is how high you bounce when you hit bottom"
George S. Patton

I grieved today, sad for the things that could have been
took a deep breath after a while and moved on
happiness comes from inside and i need to let go of certain things
unlike some, for me it takes time even when I know there is no way it was ever going to work
my silly head has these things called" hope"' stuck, engraved to my soul
I simply never give up hope,
maybe that's silly
it's just me though
I simply close some doors so it hurts less
when the wind blows through the hollow parts of my heart
we all have a path we follow
mine will take me to great places
half the fun is diving in, eyes wide open

skydiving all over again

I'll skinny dip again
laugh out laud while hanging on to the grips of the motorcycle
next time I'll be the one stearing:)
not ridding "bitch"
don't get me wrong ridding is awesome and I'll take it any way
but
I have this dream of ridding, free, just me and the open curvy road
and I'm laughing from the inside of my soul



thanks