oci boje meda

2011-10-23T09:15:00.002-06:00

I've turned into this bitter person... bitter with the world and myself.
Whine, whine, whine....
Crap!
Can't seam to snap out of the bickering, nagging personality I have assigned myself to be. Money sucks, health is the worst it has been in years if i can only stop getting sick as much my money situation would seam so much better.
If only....
On the bright side I have this great man with awesome kids and that keeps me motivated to get out of bed every morning.I wonder how taxing I am on him and our relationship?

2010-07-19T20:24:00.003-06:00

2010-05-08T15:03:00.002-06:00

sometimes I get scared of glimpses of myself in the mirror
than I shrug it off
it's still me, longer hair, lots more weight
and a lot of laugh lines around my mouth

feel like a step mom half the time
I just hope I'm a good one
it's hard saying the right things at times

we own a house now, have a dog she and can't play fetch:)
but boy can she run, she's four today

I'm on the road to reinvent my career again, I hope.
School starts next month, I'll be an accountant when I grow up.

I still dream of skydiving.

2010-02-23T18:00:00.002-06:00

I've hidden inside me and once in a while i come out and stroll those old familiar streets...
hehehe
ok that was funny:)
Seams like the old blogger world has settled down and the old links no longer take me to familiar grounds, they are those roads that go nowhere. Figured maybe just maybe if I start writing again I'll reconnect with those lost friends.

Not much new here, the job is is just that a jab pays the bills not too exciting... got a part time job as a waitress/bartender right down the road it will help pay some of my bills.

I'm thinking about going back to school, get a secondary degree in Accounting the classes will stat in the summer if all goes well. Or maybe I should just get the bike i've been dreaming about and all will be peachy who knows?

Happy Thanksgiving!

2009-11-26T12:13:00.003-06:00

how the time passes....
next thing you know another year has gone and you can't believe how happy you are

:) ok enough writing in third person
things are great here in Jenna's world
Hope everybody is having a great holiday!

ps
it's my nephews b-day today, so happy B-day Haris!

tattoo

2009-10-21T21:06:00.006-06:00

well it has occurred tome that I have not posted the looks of my tattoo so here it is:

this was 5 min after being done

this was about a month latter, and yes I still love it!

Tyville Fancy -other wisse known as out cute dog

2009-10-21T20:53:00.006-06:00

2009-10-21T20:02:00.005-06:00

seams like ages since I've wrote anything on this page...
Well it's October, been a year:)
and what a year it has been
I've grown, I've found stable ground
I'm happy

My life has roots again and it feels nice.
I miss my Shevegas, reminisce about my wild ways of the days past
I still plan on skydiving next year
skinny dipping again one of these years
those things are steady now

I own a house with this great man
have 8-4 job, I don't work weekends or holidays

I'm going to my big concert this year
tickets bought
the event postponed
AC/DC better make it to Milwaukee this year

We just got a dog...
I know me and a dog in a same house
Fancy is the sweetest dog I've ever met
my cute greyhound fresh of the track
she stops the traffic in this small town
when I put on her cute yellow rain coat on for her walk

Things are good
What am I saying things are so great I sometimes have to pinch myself
to know it's real.

ps
Saturday is the Food and Wine event in Kohler WI
my old friends are meeting up for some good food , wine and just good old talk
I can't wait!

2009-08-11T12:55:00.002-06:00

good news:)
so after a few interviews I got a job offer

The new job will start on the 31st of this month, so basically I can sit back and relax a bit and stop frantically looking fro ways to save money.
The thought that keeps on occurring to me is that I should also look a for a part time bartending / waitress job maybe. This way I could start paying off some debt. The draw back is I will have no time to spend with Ken and the kids as well as forget doing anything over the weekend.

Lots to think about, though I'm kinda thinking I may make a margharita and go lounge in the sun while I think it over.

2009-08-07T17:23:00.002-06:00

boxes everywhere
feels like we all have to fit a certain mold
fit in
do this
smile a certain way
look a certain way

like old shoes in my closet
I get rid of certain looks
they don't fit me like they used to

what used to be comfortable doesn't fit anymore

sometimes my mom is right
I don't fit into any world

sometimes I just have to trim some fat here and there
and there I am just like I always have been

maybe all this is is just pms talking
you never know....

2009-08-03T12:40:00.002-06:00

so this is how it feels
Unemployment, being told that you were/are unfit for the position you were filling
Where do I go from here?

Fox Valley is the new home so I don't plan on moving any time soon, choices are slim

still there is that looming question:
"what do I wanna be when I grow up?"

I've narrowed down my expenses, what is the lowest amount I can live on?
What are the jobs I can do?

On the home side, things are good better than good.
We had bought a house over a month ago ( though how I'll pay for my share of it now eludes me)
now it's loaded with boxes of stuff that neither of us know where to go with so they sit in the kitchen and the garage. Well I guess now I have plenty of time to arrange things.
Something will turn up sooner or latter. For now I join the towering line of unemployment first time since I have been employed.

2009-03-28T20:27:00.002-06:00

hello blogger my old friend...
change is good, change is what happens when we least expect it
so does life
it happens, keeps on moving, flowing
never ending song of happiness or quest for one
I have not rambled on for a log time, at least not here

I worry about steps I'm about to take they involve more than two people
me myself and I is about to be him, two kids and me
plus and assorted list of ex's
*shrug*
big step for all of us
d..n!!!
it's ok to be scared right? I mean nothing worth having is easy at least not in my life

those cute kids sat in my living room last nite all excited
" can we hook up both the X boxes to the big screen Dad..." asked M :)
I keep on trying not to think scared, shoot it's like giving up hard earned independence all over again and I wonder how much I'll bend, will I still have space of my own? Will they still like me after I've been there for more than a few hrs?

if you have not figured it out till now , I'm about to move in with my man *grin* and his two kiddos *deep breath deep breath* moving day is in a few weeks. I don't have doubts that we'll make it work, still doesn't stop my mind from running a marathon.

A grain of salt

2009-03-02T18:08:00.002-06:00

last week a few of my co-workers joined the growing group of layed off workers...
I 'm ashamed of my relief that it was them and not me. Truth is the whirlwind of bad economy is no where close to being done.

In all of this i found myself thinking about the deep breaths I've learned to take through this life of mine. I had to remind myself of things I've learned what now feels like a lifetime ago:
I'm alive, I'm whole, my family and those important to me are as well.

Mom said she would have given a fortune for knowing that her kids are alive, not slaughtered... kinda puts things in perspective. Life will go on, humans are capable of surviving some awful things that get thrown their way.
I exhaled on Friday, I lived through the first shake down. I wonder how many more is there to come?

Today I found out my best friend from college lost his job last week as well, I hope we don't turn into alcoholics as we're getting through the tough times. I hope those who have lost their jobs have at least somebody to give them a hug. There is no better comfort than knowing that you're not alone in facing all of this turmoil.

God Bless.

P.S. I surprise myself all the time...

2009-02-23T20:53:00.003-06:00

I'm in love with this man:)

2009-02-04T22:48:00.008-06:00

I'm thinking about getting a bike, an old thing I think would best.
My friend Grant wants to get rid of his, he's had it since he was 16teen. I can't wait to ride.
Here is a pic of it, no it's not a crotch rocket decided after lots of deliberating that I need to learn on something that can take a beating and is not too much to handle at least for now.
So with no further ado in the order what I'd like to be riding, what I'm getting and my unobtanium as well...

1982 Honda CX 500 "the one I'm getting"

The GSX-R750
once I know what I'm doing I'd love to ride on this baby

Ducati 1098

well and of course the unobtanium in it's classic red

we can all dream right?

2009-02-04T22:24:00.002-06:00

I love waking up next to him,
feeling his hands around me
is another way of being home

I can feel him looking at me even when I don't look
I can feel his love even when he's not next to me

I'm not too much
he has as much to give as I do

pretty
a string of perfect pearls
elegant and smooth

happy

2009-02-01T13:30:00.003-06:00

I feel a bit boring, not much to say but flaunt my joy of every day life...
Good news is I met the kids and it went good, all my anxiety of the actual meeting and they were quite sweet. Than again I was more worried about myself and my inability to not get tangled up in the world surrounding my love. Selfish I know.
So like I expected I love them1 Sweet, cute, adorable I believe they took of with my heart by the end of the short dinner we had.

The hard realization came after meeting the kids, damn I've done it again...
I'm in love.
Scary as hell, would not give it up for anything in the world. Hmmmm...

I was out with some friends and one of them with a very battered heart asked whether I thought there is a difference between being in love and loving?

Yeah, there is kinda hard to define but here it is:
being in love I equal to infatuation as good ol Webster says: to inspire with a foolish or extravagant love or admiration. Now love the true thing comes after, when you find out a persons faults and still love them, admire them, care for them, and are still infatuated with them although you know them. They may not even be deserving of your love but you still do.

2009-01-28T20:01:00.004-06:00

I admit, I've been MIA for a while now and lots has been happening.
The trip home was just what it should be, quiet time with my family, time to reflect after.
Not to bore you but not much happened...

I flew out of Chicago on a snowy afternoon, as flights were being canceled all over the mid-west my plane left the gate at the scheduled time of 2:30 pm I say left the gate because than we sat for almost two hours in the middle of a storm not taking off but simply idling. Oh, well I thought at least that's less time to spend in Frankfurt, Germany waiting for the next connecting flight.
The long flight continued as the passenger next me decided to not only take off his shoes but his socks as well and wiggle his stinky tired toes right past my nose for the next 8 hrs the torture continued as the guys behind me and in front of me happened to be more than 6' hence no reclining for me and well my knees felt like they have been crushed (the trip home was no better).

Bosnia was well home. This distant place where my family lives, place that I don't fit into any more, yet so many pieces of it fit so good like an old pair of jeans that you wear around the house.
My parents are getting old, every time I leave the thought occurs to me that this might be the last time I see them. I hope it's not the case. My niece and two nephews grew a few inches, two of them are hitting puberty and I wonder how much of their life am I missing on a daily basis?
They loved all the gifts I got for them.

I got home, been sick this whole month it always happens when I travel.
Been sleeping a lot, self medicating, hoping that this time NyQuil is going to work better than the night before. Saw a nurse practitioner today, 10 days of antibiotics twice a day she said.
In bed now, all wrapped up in my down comforter wishing for a hug hoping this time the meds will work.

P.S.
on the good note, my sweet man has been great times together could not be sweeter, how did I get so lucky?

2009-01-16T19:35:00.002-06:00

every time my heart breaks I learn so much about myself
who I really am, what I'm capable of
I stand tall
"nedaj se!" says my mom
hehehe
she knows me oh so well

this heart of mine never stops kicking,
trust is something you give to people and sometimes they deserve it
sometimes they kick you in you teeth
you keep on going, 'couse what else is there?

Us strong people keep on fighting
keep on giving
keep on loving
over and over again

like it's a lesson that we can't get enough of
like there is ever a choice
stay in the mud broken and kicked
or rise up and try again

sooooo

I'm tryin'
I really am
and he's sweet
and charming
and so, so
crazy for me

2008-12-22T19:08:00.002-06:00

I'll be back soon...
thanks for the kind words
thanks for the bon voyage
I shall write again in the year 2009

Happy Solstice
Merry Christmas
Happy Hanukkah
Bajram Mubarek Olsun ( sorry if I've misspelled this)

And a Happy New Year to all!!!!

2008-12-21T12:30:00.002-06:00

2008-12-20T16:08:00.002-06:00

Norah Jones is playing in the background as I slowly pack up all my gifts...
T shirts and jeans , sweatshirts, sweaters, gloves, scarves, snickers bars * there is only one original* a jar of maple syrup and a scarf from Sly' Mom and Dad for my Mom and Dad...

I am so excited, my hands shake and i can barely concentrate on the task at hand:
*laundry
* packing my own stuff
* deciding what goes in my backpack and what in the suitcase

Talked to Mom a few hours ago, she's so excited that she could barely talk to me, of course she says: " make sure you don't overpay the taxi and the buss ride from Zagreb, check out the exchange rate...those driver will rip you off on the exchange of your Dollar..."

Wednesday, I'll be home!

breathe in, breathe out, breathe in , breathe out and so on

2008-12-17T21:21:00.002-06:00

"no man should make you feel the way he did...it's not you .... we love you"
why is it so hard to let go of family? I mean, friends that you've met through other people?
I love them too, miss them dearly, yet find myself hurt, contemplating of the reasons why...

Why am I here in my living room, having some Baileys on the rocks with his family?
Why do they miss me? Why do I miss them?
Why is there a frigging lump in my throat, while wishing him a happy solstice?
Why was I too much?
Maybe I just wasn't helpless enough, oh well too late to change now!

All that said I'm slowly moving on beyond him. This life is full of new adventures, loves and hurts to come.
Most of the time it feels like I'm learning to walk all over again.
Anna asked me "are you falling in love this guy?"
I don't know, I like him a lot...I'm working on making him a great friend than maybe I'll give him my heart.

2008-12-16T19:19:00.003-06:00

Hello blog my long time friend...

Lots has been happening, lots n my head more so than anywhere else.
My well oil machine of a life keeps on running, sometimes it surprises even me
"Is this really my life?" I wonder...

Mending a broken heart seams to take mound more time than falling in love. Damn I wish it was easier! Forgive, forget and move on. Love like the rest our life experiences leaves marks on our lives, some you can see and some that show only when nobody is looking.

She's moved in,and I know I'm not supposed to care... I know that I'm better off, but damn it still stings. Me thinks now it's just my hurt pride more than anything else.

On the brighter note
This man I have in my life keeps on surprising me, mending things. My trust is no longer as easily given though he gets small pieces of me that surprise me.
He does things for me that I usually do and I so wanna take his trust and hang on to it...
"I'm such a lucky guy..." he says as he's looking in to my eyes.

6 days till Bosnia!!!!
Almost done shopping!
Can't wait.....

Careful what you ask for...

2008-11-23T17:59:00.002-06:00

My cup runneth over.....

Personal happiness certainly comes from within, lots of small pieces of the puzzle of my life coming together, weaving the contents of my life into a whole.

My friends surprised me this weekend, me the Capricorn that I am the only surprises I get are the ones I plan or hint around for.
Sweet, sweet surprises, like having a family reunion that just happened 'couse you ran into some old friends. Dinner with Kel as always was filling, long, full of wine and conversations, hugs of old friends, understanding talk between us two that have been friends for more than ten years.
Than I got a text from Kurt " hey wanna join the boys and me for a few beers in Oshkosh?"
"I'm in!"
On with the night...more hugs and beers, conversations a bit of REM and it was like the old days in Shevegas. Friends for life is what those boys are and I feel so lucky. Almost wanna say blessed though we the way I am with religion not so sure if the term is fitting. Be it as as it may I was grinning on way back to Neenah at 2am like i'd just been on a first date and am 16 again.
Saturday rolled around and Nicole hopped in my car, we're running about an hour behind at this point but girls needed some coffee:P
Starbucks run!
Detteled in the car finaly we head down to Fondie, pick up Linda, Deanna and her little Sarah and head to Milwaukee for the Holiday International Folk Fair. There was food:Turkish, Danish Slovak, Bavarian, Hindu, Indian and sooo much more. Lets just say that it was great to hang out with women and eat anything in site. Than there was folk dancers, and more music and yes I even made it to the dance floor for some old fashioned folk dancing with Nicole. Than there was shopping by the time we were leaving barren with shopping bags litlle Sarah was overdoesd on shugar maybe as much as the rest of us. So I got some Christmas shopping done, one for me one for them etc. some really cool ornaments and a cool gift for the man in my life...
He refers to me as his "Foxey Lady" makes me grin every time I hear Jimmy. I guess trhis would be a good time to talk about him and me. I feel like I'm 16 at times, grinning like a school girl, kissing at any chance I get, talking on the phone for hours at the time. He has kids, and no I'm not meeting them quite yet I think it's way too soon. He remebres litlle things that matter to me, most off all he makes me smile.
So with all of this falling into place it feels so fitting that I'm going home like a full circle of my life.

2008-11-20T17:16:00.002-06:00

been keeping away from this blog, kind of felt like all has faded away from this world...
maybe it's just the simple fact that I've had nothing to say.

Life in Neenah is good, better that I expected.
I've found happiness in small things, job is ok I meddle through.
This leaves lots of room for me to explore, read like a fiend, watch movies...Ok I admit lots of kissing going on as well:) I'm glad I'm going home for lots of reasons, feels like I need to refuel on my Bosnian air, regroup my thoughts, give myself time.
Anyways enough of all this calm stuff!
I'm happy! I'd like to shout it of the Eiffel tower, alas it was cheaper to go though Frankfurt Germany so no Paris this time round.

Oh to finish cooking...bucatini pasta, bolognese sauce, banana/chocolate/pecan muffins
oh yeah and a few kisses

2008-11-14T19:49:00.003-06:00

I find myself wondering through this world, full off questions and anxiety... sometimes the outcomes of my travels don't have the endings I like, sometimes they pour into me this joy that overwhelms me......
Throughout all this I find myself humming this song and I smile....

take me to the station
put me on a train
got no expectations

I dance, shimmy my hips to the cool sound of bluegrass, grinning all silly like

2008-11-09T20:23:00.004-06:00

so many wonderful things happening, seams like my life is spinning in a wonderful circle, I'm almost there...the full circle is around the corner in so many ways.
I'm not sure if contentment comes from the inside of me, so many things I'm not sure about and so many things are so clear, crystal, blue as the sky, no words to explain it, I've been on a journey that is on the last leg of it's life...wonder what tomorrow will bring...I just don't worry about is as much as I used to...I'll simply make it work like I have so far...

damn that took a long time to get to

2008-11-04T07:32:00.001-06:00

Diane
wish you well, hope you're not feeling way too sore today. I'm glad you're alive. I'm glad that the accident was not as bad as it could have been. Thanks for being a part of my family away from home. Love you all.
dz

2008-11-04T07:28:00.002-06:00

Voting day
big day people! My first time voting, and lets face it this is quite a historical election.
I can't wait to be done with work so I can wait in that long line and cast my vote, becouse it'smy right. Damn that feels good to say:)

2008-11-02T18:00:00.011-06:00

happiness comes from within right? Though it is so great, to have somebody tell you how great you are...gorgeous, smart, interesting, fun, intriguing, somebody he wants to get to know:)

Damn I feel like a 16teen year-old kid with my emotions running high, grinning all the time,
spending a whole week with somebody, still getting only a glimpse of who they are and I want to know more. I want more weekends like this. The fulfilling feeling of just being me, dancing in my living room, dressing up for Halloween, holding hands while taking a four hour discovery hike at High Cliff, kissing in the dark of a Haunted House, watching a football game on a lazy Sunday afternoon, giggling like a teenager while saying goodbye.

ps
here is just a few pics form the hike, the batteries in my camera were dead for most of the weekend so this is just a few glimpses of the world as Jenna saw it yesterday.

2008-10-25T10:49:00.002-06:00

It's saturday, so much of my life is different somehow. How the year has passed and I barely even noticed...single all over again. Shoot.
Away from my old work place, but going to visit...this is the big weekend F&W weekend, friends, food, wine, laughs, fun!

I applied for a passaportt today, she said three weeks to get it:)
The trip home is being booked this week, have no idea how I'm affording this stuff but I'm going home. Dates are set December 23-Jan 03 my NY present to myself, b-day present to Mom...
Ok off to a fun weekend with friends!

2008-10-23T19:28:00.005-06:00

sometimes I dream of things,
glimpses of past writhe in my memory
I wake up sweaty
naked
I shiver

I know who I want
so self assured I am

fill my life with measly details
they fill the space
like I once did
in his life
fill the space

how easy it is to understand now, the choices made,
the innocence was my own mostly...
nothing to be sad over anymore, hearts do heal you know?
there is a scar now where you used to be,
I hide it from the public
intimidate the same with my smile,
raising my eyebrows I look straight at them

you should run
hide

damn nothing sticks here anyway, only friends do
wish I was as good at choosing lovers/who I give my heart to
as I am as making friends with them

at least I'm good at one thing, right?

cool, calm and collected

2008-10-23T06:28:00.002-06:00

2008-10-21T20:39:00.002-06:00

some things are imply not meant to be no matter how hard I try, or am I trying at all?

my need to be held sometimes is overwhelming
as is my need to be independent

I want to be cared for
but the ones I want seam to be out of reach
story of my life

still I'm incapable of giving up
my heart eventually moves on or is it the mind?
mind over matter right?

The hybread

2008-10-20T21:36:00.002-06:00

banana/walnut/nectarine

2008-10-20T16:55:00.002-06:00

sometimes I just hate my own brain, it's capability of cynicism never sizes to amaze me...
so here i sit peering at my screen
listening to
Ludwig van Beethoven: Fur Elise
and I can feel my mood change
relax
breathe

2008-10-18T18:10:00.002-06:00

Simple truths
Learning things about yourself is not an easy path it hurts, kicks you , throws obstacles in your way guess it's all about how much you learn along way. What's your take away lesson?

Hm....

I've grown, as me myself and I:)
I used to hide behind a smile, than behind a stern face and finally the attitude of you can''t hurt me.
Armor I tell you, lots of shit to carry around.
I've loved twice in my life and I know I will again and that makes me smile, just the simple knowing. Sometimes you have to have your heart broken to learn, to stretch your reality, to widen your horizon. Love is a big thing, it vibrates your soul, makes you sing, makes your skin glow, makes you trust like you've never been cheated or lied to before. Powerful stuff huh?

I'm trying hard to not turn in a cynic, be the grown up person to not love when the other person is gone. Jim said it good " you never stop loving you just get used to it" or something close to it...
I swear I'm making new memories, but what do I do about the ones that are already here?
Mixed up in my head, memories of music that is now a part of me, the kisses in the dark, laughs while getting naked. Funny when you get when it's over, remember the good stuff, forget the bad, convince yourself it was never going to work 'couse of stuff you now know.
*shrug my shoulders*

2008-10-18T18:04:00.003-06:00

I think,
I move,
I smile,
I exist

Selfish little being I am
satisfied with little things
* or are they so little?*
chocolate
laugh
friends
companionship

2008-10-14T20:02:00.002-06:00

I can feel the full moon
it's fullness affecting my whole body
aching
maybe it's the books I've been readin'

nope I think it's the moon
I've always been able to feel the big shining in the night
awe worthy

no wonder we do so many crazy things just looking at the damn thing
like a beautiful woman that makes you crave
like you've never craved before
thoughtless

just give in it begs
yeah luring you in
quick smile
flash of teeth

I wanna be that moon
I wanna be that woman
have a Mona Lisa smile

full moon
what can I say
I crave stuff too
and I'm a woman

2008-10-13T20:46:00.002-06:00

listening to John Meyer's "Your body is a wonderland"
summerfest comes to mind, sorry but the guy is quite sexy and has a very sexy voice....and I saw him in concert last year.....
funny how world goes around and around
hehehehe

maybe if I stop reading wicken books
dreaming about vampires
my life will be so much more pink
nahhh

Got a few new books, one I'd read a few years back when I'd first left Haris, recommended by my girl Lejla called Blink, quite an interesting read. Makes me think about my decisions made in a blink of an eye. Some good, some with not such great end results * we all learn somehow, right*
The other is called Twilght, and I'm just about to sink my teeth into it.

2008-10-13T19:46:00.002-06:00

things are sometimes hard to put in words, though what am I supposed to do when I understand it and still feel like I'm missing something?
Time will tell if I've made the right choice, but I'm going to wait.

confusing, conflicting thoughts

I'm not ignoring you either
I'm not pissed off

I'm simply ok if this takes time
I like my control too
I'm having a ton of fun
living my life just the way it is

ps yes I'll drop all my plans just to see you:)

2008-10-12T09:15:00.005-06:00

Oh just a thought...

thought about you last night
the song you played for me last I saw you
played in the background

I closed my eyes and just smiled

Let me be myself

shine on with your own light

thing is both of us have been playing a game and I'm tired of being aloof and without a care in the world. I wanna spend time, get to know you, I wanna hear you play
I want you to hug me
Let me in,
trust me
I promise I'll do the same

2008-10-12T09:10:00.002-06:00

Today is go for a hike day.
At least in my world it is:P
Plan for today is to pack a lunch, head to High Cliff and check out all 4 trails.

I love Wisconsin and at this time of the year it's the most glorious, warm sunny, leafs are kind of reddish color...it's home.

Going to be a gorgeous day.

2008-10-12T09:06:00.002-06:00

Curiosity killed the cat....but here goes
I check my site meeter all the time, I get excited when I see all these people reading my thoughts.
Weirdo that I am:)
Theres is somebody from Milwaukee reading on a regular basis...
Milwaukee.pc who are you?

thanks, dz

The good old times

2008-10-12T08:56:00.006-06:00

My girlfriend from Shevegas came to visit yesterday, coffee, shopping, dinner and Dave Steffen Band what more could a girl ask for?

the spoils:)

The band
Day after, breakfast of champions: Nutella, Marshmallow fluff, small bagels, french press mocha coffee...heaven

2008-10-09T20:20:00.003-06:00

How I've grown in the past 13 years
a whole teenager

I remember a girl so in love that she go to the end of the world for him. I remember believing in forever...
I remember the fear I'd felt on my first flight, short really but so long in so many ways.
He'd popped the question after not seeing me for a whole year, romantic really thought at the time nothing would have stopped from being with him. Oceans were not big enough to keep us apart, time apart with no contact meant nothing, moving on...Ha!

Love. True. Innocent. Infatuation in it's fullest.Butterflies in your tummy.Smile on your lips. All.

I remember how hard it was - life it self, love was the easy thing to hold on to.Familiar, safe, us.
We'd started as dishwashers, easiest job I've ever had. I got promoted, he didn't.
I used to wanna be an English as a second language teacher, that changed as I spent years in the Dr. offices translating for free. I hated that I spoke English better than the rest of them. I hated that I excelled and was motivated,I hated being different. Being a foregner and not having any family here is hard enough, being different than "your own" is even worse than that at times.
I didn't fit anywhere. Bosnia was a long gone pipe dream, I'd outgrown the idea of moving back home the day I started college and people close to me resented that I learned faster than they did. America still didn't feel like home so I fit in this space of no man's land.
College was a strugle, I worked an average of 60-70 hrs a week drove 1hr to get to school three times a week went full time * what other option is there really?*
Truth is school was an escape, from being responsible for "all of them" I could be this kid again, have a few brews after school and pretend like the rest was not happening.
Love faded.
Jenna emerged.
I've been told I'm a strong woman most of my life and I've always had trouble believing that it's me they're talking about. I was scared of change. Scared of leaving him and the terrible cage I was in... it was safe.
It took me years to leave him, five to be exact. I still love him. He loves me. We live in different cities, it works better that way.
I remember my decision to leave him, I'd been clear about it no doubt in my mind, no regrets, no hopes of ever making it work. Over. It's been three years.
I 'm selfish, it's a self preservation really.
I love who I've become.
I am a strong woman:)

2008-10-09T05:51:00.000-06:00

I have a date tonight
trying to be all composed about it
ok so I'm excited
very, very excited

hope is a good thing
you think?

2008-10-07T18:26:00.002-06:00

I can't seam to run away from memories, guess there is no use trying....
Portishead is playing in the background
this song is simply stuck in my head
Glory Box
what a great name for a song
........
give me a reason to love you
give me a reason to be
a woman
I just wanna be a woman
so don't you stop being a man
........
so a little tenderness

for this is a beginning of forever and ever
it's time to move over
.........
so tired of playing
........

what a song!
makes me feel strong
makes me love being a woman
makes me remember the two men I've loved in my life

the best way to get over anything in my life has been chocolate, it always comforts, it's here it's filling, orgasmic, doesn't make me wait
just makes me want more

tonight I'm baking
pains au chocolat
I added cherries

my neighbors invited me over for a movie
girl night in:)

2008-10-07T16:03:00.002-06:00

sometimes I wanna just call "*" talk about stuff that bothers me....
feel like there is somebody who wants to hold me, somebody who won't think "I'm too much for them..."

Alas I don't call or text.
I concentrate on "how to keep my job...make those calls, drill...ha!"
doesn't stop this mind from wondering 'bout

Dr. called today "all clear"
great so what the f#@%? is wrong with me?
lack of alcohol probably:P hehehe

as far as great achievements go
I'm a #2 rep on the floor from last month...for the whole floor!
shit I hate it when I do this...set up hard to accomplish goals
expectations that if I did it once I can do it again
like life is so easy

"Way to go Jenna!"

*pats her self on the back*

I'm tired, excited, tired, worried, excited
not exactly always in the same order

think I'm going to sleep good tonight
my bed
middle of the bed
why get used to anything else?
I'm better alone

*for now*

2008-10-06T17:31:00.002-06:00

I'm tired
exhaustion has caught up with me
there are only so many smiles in a day
I can give to the world
and the world keeps on taking
asking for more

I wanted a hug today
somebody to tell me everything is going to me ok
what I got is
" mam...we don't know what's wrong with you...we'll take a few tests call you back this week..."

Great!
I'll just sit here while you stick the needles in
there are so many possibilities

I'm not scared
it will all work out in the end
I just wanted a hug
there is nobody close enough to squeeze me tight
let me get their shirt wet
while I simply sob on their shoulder

It will be ok
I'll wake up tomorrow and I'll be perfectly fine
it's just that tonight my steam has run out
energy is gone
my tummy is doing somersaults

I'm just tired
I think I just may get some more sleep
it will all be ok when I wake up

Skydiving pics

2008-10-05T14:00:00.006-06:00

Thanks Jason for going with me:P
Thanks Jodi for taking the pics!
Such an awesome time I can't wait to go again!!!!!!

Yonder Mountain String Band

2008-10-04T10:45:00.002-06:00

Just a reminder for anybody hanging close to Madison concert is on Friday October 17th.
Ross I miss you buddy, and every time I hear them makes me think of you.
We'd better hang out soon!
love, dz

2008-10-04T10:23:00.002-06:00

I've come a long way, sure feels that way. The hole in my heart seams to have filled in, there is a scar there now I touch it once in a while kinda like a reminder of what happens when I loose myself.
Things happen, I keep trying to find out why I did the things that I did, no answer there.
I mean I can come up with a bunch of excuses for being clingy, questioning, bitchy, unhappy...
Bottom line is I become something that even I didn't love, I was trying so hard to hang on to love, to control, that I'd lost myself all over again. Road to recovery is a winding, long, up the hill battle.
It's not about winning. I's not about giving up. It's about finding that perfect balance *or at least working at it*
My balance comes from my independence. I love it, enjoy it and sometimes it leaves me empty and very lonely. I'm finding out that it's ok...ok to love and not be with them...ok to have space...gives you room to grow and spread your branches:)
Happiness comes from within, it's not he who makes me happy....I make myself happy.
Ok I know finding the right person can/will make me happier but only if I know who/what I am how to keep my balance and never let myself forget to take care of myself.

enough rambling here

2008-09-30T16:44:00.000-06:00

Anyway, keep going forward. Little steps are okay, they can add up to a lot of ground if you let them.

Jim

Thanks my friend!
Jenna

2008-09-29T06:13:00.002-06:00

conclusions
I'm still here, kicking , laughing, hoping

Sharing is a weird thing, scary
when somebody shares and unexpected thing with you
so
no more sabotaging this great new thing I have
smile
here comes that strong woman I know I am
keep on repeating this mantra to myself
I'm not a delicate flower
maybe it's harder to be a strong independent woman
it's so much more devastating to see yourself crumble
it leaves these holes in the soul, wounds if that what's you call them
things leak out, when you least expect them

things are good,
he's this amazing man
I'm so never going to live this last sabotage down easy
than again if he still likes me after this
what the hell am I scared off?

myself

2008-09-28T16:29:00.002-06:00

How do you trust things?
I thought I don't care as much, not really involved, detached, cool
me
ha!
My Balkans blood boiled over, add a bit of Jack to it all and you have a volcano!
all that equals, shoot I care, more than I thought I do
I need to give him a chance, like a real chance
he seams to like the glimpses of real me
gives me space, and knows how to keep his

he likes me
really does
and all I wanna ask him is
what do you see in me?
Is he still going to think I'm interesting and fun and as Suze puts it "an enigma" when he sees me, the whole me not just glimpses. I'm embarrassed, and I know this will be the last chance we have so I have to give it my best. Truth be told it's not about men in my life, it's about me and the right choices for me. I've been lying and it feels awful.
My eyes opened today, kind of like a slap in my face that I'd dealt myself...guess that happens when you lie to yourself, J deserves a true chance at my heart and I wanna give it to him.
I've said in the past that I deserve a man who can give me as much love as I have to give, well opportunity's a knocking... up to me to open the door and let it in.
Scared shitless here.

October Fest in September

2008-09-28T11:34:00.009-06:00

2008-09-28T06:27:00.001-06:00

for Jadey....

Powerful Women's Motto:

Live your life in such a way
that when your feet hit the floor in the morning, Satan
shudders & says.. 'Oh shit....she's awake'

love you girlfriend

2008-09-27T09:09:00.002-06:00

Today is October Fest in Appleton WI, music, beer, food, people crowds of them.
Funny how life seams to run in a circle, last year at this time I was so excited, could not wait to get in my car and drive up north, who cares about the music and other stuff?
hmmmmm
I do, always have when I think back I've been driving around Wisconsin to see different shows for a long time, and this one is important.
I've made friends people, don't really feel cut off form my world any more, though I miss Sheboygan terribly, ok fine I'll admit I miss him too, loads on some days, not at all on some days.
Anyways, music today it might rain I guess that would make it a true October Fest, like the last one I saw in Germany it rained buckets and nobody cared as long as their beer was not tainted:).

Love angle, have no clue where we're going than again it's a bit too soon to have that idea. It's not drowning, not suffocating, kind of like a delicate dance of two people that have been hurt in the past. I guess there is things to be said about protecting your heart, the older I get the harder it is to trust, give without thinking "what am I getting back?"
Weird.
Thing is I'm comfortable with giving slices at a time, than consider it, wrestle it out in your head at arms length, re-evaluate. I think too much.

On with the music festival!

2008-09-26T16:27:00.001-06:00

QUOTE OF THE WEEK
"Getting ahead in a difficult profession requires avid
faith in yourself. That is why some people with mediocre
talent, but with great inner drive, go much further than
people with vastly superior talent."
Sophia Loren

2008-09-25T16:26:00.002-06:00

i can see the world in pink
dancing around, singing
shame on me!
I don't even know what I'm so happy about
life?
"every one likes to dance to a catchy song..."
Ween makes me laugh
"I'm gonna do the things I wanna do...."
yeah loving life

2008-09-24T16:01:00.002-06:00

I find myself grinning
waking up after a good night sleep
alone, in my bed
work is going good, very good in fact:)

Listening to Portishead-All mine
smiling
grilling out with new found friends tonight
date tomorrow night
my tummy is doing somersaults again
feels good to feel alive

I'm happy with whom I've become!
*insert happy grin here*

2008-09-21T18:02:00.002-06:00

Drove down to Elkhart Lake today, met my friends D.
Went to a gallery, found some great stuff nope didn't buy anything though man was I itching to buy a painting , got some food at the Brown Bear instead. Krynn was working, I love her tattoos makes me want to get mine sooner. Food was great, company even better than I was back on the road, back to reality.

2008-09-20T11:05:00.003-06:00

Life is good people...after all the sadness and being brokenhearted stuff had to get better, it just had to. In the word of Jenna( hehehe) things get bad things get better, they never stay stagnant that's for sure. I'm finding joy in everyday things, things that make me happy on the inside.
Being a good friend, cooking, walking, hiking, enjoying the sun. Missing the beach and music.
Happiness can be tied to another person, though I'm trying to be happy weather he's around or not, kinda testing my theory of what if's? The guy things are good, I guess as much as can be expected when two cagey, busy, adult people like each other. Going to keep the details to myself for now.
I'm cooking today people!Listening to YMSB, No Expectations my favorite from them and planning out the day of cooking. Home made bread, marinated roast (deciding on what kind) garlic-herbed mash potatoes, greek salad, carrot cake, some good pinot that I have to dig out of my wine closet all in all a feast that I can't wait to cook!

2008-09-14T17:07:00.009-06:00

found a new place today, place to clam my soul, let me wonder, smile, laugh...
I discovered a State park close to my home( 15-20 min drive) amazing place, so great that I stayed hours forgetting my hunger and long after my camera's batteries had expired.
Here is a few pics that I did get, beautiful, beautiful Wisconsin:)

2008-09-13T23:15:00.002-06:00

the stubborn goat
a person who's so stubborn
like born this way:)

when I fall in love
it will be for a long time
I know I've got so much to give
and all of this has been just practice
practice for the real thing

I want him to challenge me
make me
I want what I've never had
the security

Security that he
who ever that person is
is/will not be scared
by me

I'm
secure
I know what I want
How to get it
Intuitive
Sometimes scared
falling in love
questioning all
Woman

like that should explain all, woman, strong, confident, loving, caring, independent, caring
ever notice how those words define different people?
Mean different things when you look at them individually?
I'm not secure if I question myself and my emotions
I'm a bitch if I'm sure off all and myself
I'm too much, if he's never going to be able to give as much as me

world is a confusing thing
so is love

2008-09-12T20:42:00.002-06:00

when do you know you've moved on?

I wrote on this page, things that are so private, yet there is so much that lingers in my mind right now that there is no way to put on this page. I care more about the new smile.
I care about the hug in the middle of the night. I care about hurting him. Wish I'd met him before.

Sometimes you have to loose things, people, yourself in order to find it all in a blink of an eye.
Have no idea if it's going to last, work, but this man has so much life in him that it blows me away every time I look into his eyes. Confidence is build, integrity is learned, love is earned.

Nope I'm lot in love, sure feels like I'm on the road there. Caring about somebody is about more than just love, infatuation, kisses, sex. It's the way it hurts when you've hurt them, it's the way it makes you smile when they're happy. Stuff like that.

It takes balls to put yourself out there. I did last night.

2008-09-09T15:57:00.002-06:00

things are good, I think at times I sound more sad than I actually am. I'm sad for the things that could have been, sad that I fell for the wrong thing/guy/whatever.
Things you get used to when you live alone
*sleeping in the middle of the queen size bed, no side preference
*cooking what ever you feel like
*drinking wine/beer/whiskey when you wanna/don't not because you feel you should or not

So, as I said I'm not sad anymore, I mean not any more than I'm sad at times about my failed marriage. I miss him, still love parts of him, it will never be. So time to move on.

Dates:P
a few here and there, but man this feast thing keeps on going, and I'm getting more and more wrapped up in the fact that I am an attractive woman. Hell of a thing to realize when you've barely gotten out of depression! Fear is a very strong emotion, don't like it running my life.
I'm back in the saddle here. Feels damn good to be grinning all the time, thinking up new things to do today, tomorrow, sunday. Keeping that integrity of mine at the forefront of my life.

Exhale

2008-09-08T16:06:00.002-06:00

feast or famine
when it comes to relationships
it's either pouring rain, or I'm stuck in a dessert
it's pouring rain right now
I'm happy enjoying the rain

2008-09-07T08:06:00.002-06:00

Don't know how many people listen to NPR but I do every day.
I've listened to this old program a few times, it has to do about happiness and the link was sent to me a while back. I guess it's my way of saying thanks.
I am on the road to happiness, and I did listen to this, and it did help, I still try.
check it out.

http://clipcast.wpr.org:8080/ramgen/wpr/dun/dun080728e.rm

2008-09-07T07:20:00.003-06:00

"If desire causes suffering, it may be because we do not desire wisely, or that we are inexpert at obtaining what we desire. Instead of hiding our heads in a prayer cloth and building walls against temptation, why not get better at fulfilling desire? Salvation is for the feeble, that's what I think. I don't want salvation, I want life, all of life, the miserable as well as superb. If the gods would tax ecstasy, than I shall pay; however, I shall protest their taxes at each opportunity, and if Woden or Shiva or Buddha or that Christian fellow-what's his name?-can not respect that, than I'll accept their wrath. At least I will have tasted the banquet that they have spread before me on this rich, round planet, rather than recoiling from it like a toothless bunny. I can not believe that the most delicious things were placed here merely to test us, to tempt us, to make it more difficult for us to capture the grand prize: the safety of the void.To fashion of life such a petty game is unworthy of both men and gods."

Jitterbug Perfume, Tom Robbins

2008-09-07T06:29:00.003-06:00

I love my blog!
This is my space and mine only...Ok maybe not but I decide what to put here, what to keep and how it's going to look. Sometimes I think it's too much, what if there is too much here about me?
I know there is. me all over the pages of the blog. Selfish, sad, happy, laughing: me.
How do you decide what not to write about? I mean some of us decide on privacy, some don't.
This is my diary. My way of telling my story to myself and who ever decides to read this.
You don't like what's there stop reading.
came to some realizations in the past month:

*Still miss him like crazy, but I deserve so much more
(me missing you, you missing me, enough of that...you're in love with her...so stay there)
*Moving on is a good thing emotionally and professionally, the only way to grow is embrace change

I have a date today, he's fun, likes motorcycles, skydiving, wine and well me...
Wish me luck!

2008-09-06T18:11:00.002-06:00

I'm tired of missing
this week was hard, harder than most first weeks in September I look around my home and I can see my depression manifested all around me.I hide from it.
Like any September before this one is a new beginning, maybe that is why I love fall as much as I do...Maybe that's why beautiful Wisconsin is home.
I ran out of clean plates, forks, spoons....hahaha my kitchen now looks like his always did. Full of leftovers, plates piled up and tons of utensils. My clothes littering the floors of the small apartment I live in, I trip over them at times, and my collection of shoes, once so nicely taken care off is stuck in a closet.
Weird. Sad. I've let myself go that far.
It's not about him...my depression had to do with the loss of Jenna. You know the strong woman that knows how to make the right choices, who knows who she is and what she wants, the one who always goes for it no matter the cost. The one who laughs all the time and enjoys life to it's fullest. You know the Jenna that's never taken for granted. The one who's always sure of her self. She's been missing.

Found her again, I think.

My head's been pounding most of the day.
Thinking about all this stuff in my life. Who the f... have I become?
So unsure of myslef, feeling ugly*from inside* insecure.
My walls have thickend enough me thinks...I'm ready for the outside world all over again.
In the next few weeks I'm going on a few dates, checking things out kind of like a try out, test out the waters. It's time to put away the old and push away from the shore so to say.
First thing is first I need to organize, clean, purify so to say my place of existence for now.

Slowly, shyly she peaks her head out there and looks into the distance, witha wide stance, eyes wide open looking toward the future. Who knows what tomorrow may bring?

2008-09-04T19:20:00.002-06:00

box
I remember a cardboard box packed up neatly
in the left hand corner of a room
first time I didn't feel loved ever

I remember a box that sat there for months
waiting
for me to take it home
I remember a box that traveled home
in the back of my car
after I was betrayed
I remember a box
it now sits in a left hand corner of my room
it's unpacked
home at last

I look at the box that I just broke down as a left over peace of past that no longer needs to be hang on to. It was too small anyway. Never would have fit the whole me.

I still remember the box that used to sit in the left hand corner of the red wall painted room.

2008-09-03T18:01:00.002-06:00

been a while since I've really cooked for mysel and even longer since I've enjoyed some Metallica, feels great, sounds even better. Back to basics:)
and
Nothing else matters

2008-09-03T17:33:00.000-06:00

"success is how high you bounce when you hit bottom"
George S. Patton

2008-09-02T21:08:00.002-06:00

I grieved today, sad for the things that could have been
took a deep breath after a while and moved on
happiness comes from inside and i need to let go of certain things
unlike some, for me it takes time even when I know there is no way it was ever going to work
my silly head has these things called" hope"' stuck, engraved to my soul
I simply never give up hope,
maybe that's silly
it's just me though
I simply close some doors so it hurts less
when the wind blows through the hollow parts of my heart
we all have a path we follow
mine will take me to great places
half the fun is diving in, eyes wide open

skydiving all over again

I'll skinny dip again
laugh out laud while hanging on to the grips of the motorcycle
next time I'll be the one stearing:)
not ridding "bitch"
don't get me wrong ridding is awesome and I'll take it any way
but
I have this dream of ridding, free, just me and the open curvy road
and I'm laughing from the inside of my soul

thanks

2008-08-30T09:06:00.008-06:00

Alice Cooper was awesome!
busier than Summerfest in Milwaukee, and my my was it a blast!
here is a few pics from the great event.

2008-08-29T06:35:00.001-06:00

Only those who will risk going too far can possibly find out how far they can go.
T.S. Eliot

2008-08-29T06:20:00.004-06:00

like a butterfly, twitter,
throw some light reflecting of my colorful wings their way
laugh, smile, hug a stranger
feel pretty, sexy
let my hair down and dance
let the sweat drain down my back
enjoy my life

2008-08-28T17:12:00.002-06:00

Alice Cooper!
tonight
ok so he's a bit old, but my buddy's from Oshkosh are taking me with so it should be a blast!

2008-08-28T06:23:00.002-06:00

my nights seam to turn into a turning and tossing match with myself. My bed creeks, and moans under me as I can't sleep. Turn the mind off. Why is it so damn hard to do that?
I'm fine most of the time, work, laugh, smile, read, watch CSI, than 3am rolls around and my eyes spring open, the torture begins, no amount of trying helps at that time. Than I get up turn some music on and shoot, Led Zeppelin plays "The song remains the same".Yeah. I give up.

I love him. There I've said it. I know him, faults and all and still love him. No f#@%! change there!
Despite myself.....

Yonder Mountain String Band

2008-08-26T18:56:00.003-06:00

invitation

to friends that live anywhere close to Madison,
YMSB is playing at the Orpheum Theater
October 17 2008
I'm going!
Anybody else?
It's a friday night in Madison!
Tickets only $25 + hotel room
What a great way to start of the fall season in Wisconsin:P

ps
hippies encouraged to apply

2008-08-26T17:11:00.005-06:00

2008-08-26T16:59:00.002-06:00

Labor weekend is coming up.
Bitter sweet I guess, it always has been.
Why would this one be any different?

Because, I'm happy
happy with myself, not because I've got a guy in my life
and he makes me smile and laugh
(though that would be nice, unobtainable at the moment, for variety of reasons)
I'm happy
with my new job
happy that the summer in Wisconsin is still here *kinda*
happy....

I'm happy because I'm going back to Shevegas this weekend.
I'm going to paint Curt's living room, help him finish his floor, let him take me out as a thank you:) Maybe see Ross? Hang out at the beach. Beg Holly's boyfriend to take me on a bike ride, 'couse I'm itching for one badly:P Maybe take my rifle to Shevegas and go target shooting with Mike...hmmmm what a great idea that would be:P
Enjoy the Wisconsin warm weather folks couse it sooooo is not going to last!

2008-08-23T19:57:00.002-06:00

love is an emotion that runs my life,
it's the engine and I'm the stearing wheel.
What happens when you don't know exactly what/which way to stear?
Like a drunk driver I stare at the dash board, fuzzy mind trying to make sense of all the lights passing by. Hoping no red/blue lights follow me, or maybe I'm hoping nobody can tell I'm faking it being strong. I'm not afraid anymore, not devastated, just hurt.
Levels of infatuation, when you first meet somebody new they change don't they?
I think of love in a different way, it doesn't have to make sence, you don't choose who you love, but do you know what love truly is? Do you confuse it with the "falling in love" the infatuation stuff?

There are things i would still do for my ex husband, I still love him I just don't wanna be with him, his love was not enough for me. Can I still look into his eyes and see the man I love, hell yeah...will I ever be with him again is a definite no.
Wish i felt that way about the man I still love now. Wish it was easier to just stear in a different direction and let somebody new in. Somebody who will appreciate me, love my serious face and wipe away those lines of my face. Somebody who can't believe how lucky they are to have me in their life and can see how much I care about them as well.
Truth be told I cringe at the mere thought of somebody else hugging me or kissing me.So how do I move on? I ask that all the time.
Watch movies, keep busy.
Clean.
Cook.
Go out on dates if asked out.
Live music, things that make my soul sing.
Skydive.
Become a member of a gun club.
Learn to ride a motorcycle.
Read
Read.
Read.
Blog.
Be a good friend.

after all is said and done I'm still back where I started, loving a now empty space, missing.
feels like I've been running and I've got short legs, things jiggle when I run:)
marathon has just started 132.2 miles to go

p.s.
I run to win

2008-08-22T06:20:00.002-06:00

anybody wondering why I'm not answering texts, phone calls, e-mails
I'm in hiding, trying to set my world back on it's feet, and I need to do that on my own, with my own two hands fa bit at least.Otherwise my world will crumble again when ever I do some mayor change. Sooooo thanks all you friends out there, I'll keep in touch, write here, but I'm kinda taking a break.
love, dz.

2008-08-21T20:50:00.002-06:00

"I hate myself for loving you, can't break free...."
find myself singing those words more often lately
no I don't hate myself
matter of fact I'm doing just fine:)
I shed a few tears here and there
just proving I'm human to myself
hehehe
than again I just started humming
"More human than human..."
go figure

2008-08-20T22:43:00.002-06:00

pretty, she must be pretty
smart, witty
happy
blank
filling the blanks on the page,
like the empty book of life that I've become
busy
smiling
scared
jitterbug

the only way to keep anything in your life is to set it free
doesn't make the pain any less
doesn't make you love them less
doesn't make them any more deserving
than they were to begin with

my life is a path and I have no idea where it's curving to
I know there will be smiles, laughs, happiness, music, friends 'round that bend.
Heck, there is all of that right now in my life
somehow writing about it helps
don't know why
not like I'm any good at this, writing
but I'm good at
smiling
laughing
loving family
enjoying life, music
being friends*even when they're non deserving*
love

2008-08-20T06:06:00.003-06:00

behind my closed doors are walls that keep on building,
barriers of pain
a labyrinth of my thoughts
enter the unknown
left, right, straight, left
I've been hiding behind smiles
truth is
I can't stand the thought of some other hands on me
or lips for that thought
when does this thing go away?
how do you close a hole?
it pulsates, hurts, bleeds
has a life of it's own
I'm not in control
build a few more walls
Jenna

2008-08-19T06:03:00.002-06:00

a letter to a man
by my best friend K.

For what it's worth? When you made the "why
I'm still single" comment on the way to the airport
it stuck in my head.
This may be too deep for you, but it was on my mind.

I think there comes a time in a man's life when
something "clicks". A time when coming home to an
empty house isn't what it used to be.

A time when you realize sharing your life with someone
doesn't diminish your life or your personal need for
space, your heart or your career aspirations, but the time
when it feels right to share it and make it better - it
makes it all so much stronger.

A time when making love to and having one woman know your
body and how to make love to you the way YOU want/need is
better than having sex with many. A time when you can let
someone "break you down" and know it's ok and
wonderful - and there is no need to close up afterwards.

A time when you realize that accomplishing your
professional dreams doesn't equate to putting your
personal life on hold. The realization that sharing your
trials and tribulations with another only makes you stronger
- more successful - and the journey all the more enjoyable.
You have someone in your court to lift you up, support and
encourage you along the way.

A time when opening your heart up to another seems more
inviting than scary. The point when you realize that not
only are you getting older, but so is your Mom. A time when
you stop for a second and admit you want to have a family
and you want your child/children to know their Grandmother -
and not just from stories you tell.

The "keeper" and the "real deal" woman?
Is just that. A woman that is not just those words, but a
blessing in his life; it's something the man truly
feels, wholeheartedly wants, it's something to explore
and cultivate in his daily existence with one.

Whatever the point is that makes this "click" in
a man? That is the point when he decides he doesn't
want to remain single.

2008-08-17T20:34:00.001-06:00

Great weekend!
Just letting friends know the sky dive was amazing!!!!!
Will have pics within a week, just way too tired to even write about this great weekend:)

2008-08-15T06:29:00.003-06:00

Reading my fav. blogs this morning came across Tam's new post and like a few things this morning it made me smile too. Not sure if I'm for or against but I guess you should read the link to the article and than we could chat about it. Oh, I will miss Goth and Pitto in this but I'm guessing they're both quite preoccupied. Happy reading!
http://booksbikesboomsticks.blogspot.com/

2008-08-14T21:57:00.002-06:00

It's almost Friday!!!!!!! The weekend is almost here:)

lots to do this weekend
Friday: girls night out
Saturday: Earth Fest-Sheboygan, Movie at night
Sunday: Skydiving!

going to be a great weekend, I know it will be.

2008-08-14T06:06:00.003-06:00

I've put away your face in a box
buried it behind mounds of feathers
pictures still linger in my mind
slowly I compartmentalize them
where they belong
distant past
things better left alone

a sigh wakes me up in the night
my own
nobody else here in my bed

being, living alone
is a learned behavior
I'm learning all over again

pictures of you I've hidden away
from myself
deep
deep
in the back of my mind

pain lingers
hanging on tight
like I used to
in the middle of the night
hanging on by threads
fading with the first rays of the sun

heart is a funny organ
it
feeds us life
suffocates
hurts
contracts
and feels like new again

2008-08-13T20:29:00.003-06:00

last night was magical

My girlfriend Kel called wanted to hang out, have some food, drinks and chat. Great!
Only problem is we live almost 2hrs apart, and there is honestly no good places to eat for foodies like us. Soooooo, I drove down to Millwaukee, met at a great Italian place called Maggiano's (great place:) Sat at the bar, had a glass of wine, some appetizers to start with and chated the night away. It felt great and the dessert wow! Amazing!
Drive home kinda sucked and I was tired most of the morning but it was so, so worth it!

2008-08-13T16:03:00.002-06:00

Where have all the bloggers gone?
Come on people I need to keep occupied here, give me something to read!
Just kidding:)

Good luck to Jim on his travels, may the wind be in your wings, and may the rest of us be as lucky as you to find true love.
xo

2008-08-10T20:04:00.002-06:00

sometimes is hard not to remember
to stop my mind from going certain places
I watch moves
I cook
I work
I laugh*once in a while*
I still think about him
wish I didn't

It will pass my friends say
Will it? How do you know?
What makes you so sure?

So my new decision, is to move on
only way to do it
start dating again
at least go out on dates
won't find a guy sitting on my couch
not sure if I even wanna look

though I have this feeling that good things are right around a corner, just have to give them a try
so onward with the "strong woman" decisions:)

2008-08-10T01:13:00.001-06:00

my first
tonight was the first time I ever got flowers from a man
was cute, special
a gesture of friendship
made me smile
from the inside, not just on the outside
thanks J